Parenting Older Teens
I heard Alan Alda (of Mash fame) say that being a parent is like watching ea cheesy horror film. As you watch that teenager open the door to the spooky basement to investigate the source of a disconcerting noise, all you can really do is watch and helplessly throw popcorn at the screen. I am not the only person to embrace the rejection of “tabula rasa” or blank slate behaviorism. Contrary to the promises of B.F. Skinner, we are not the engineers of the children we raise. At best, we are their shephrds, crook in hand, who more or less gently prod them in the direction we think they need to go and throw our popcorn at them.
By about the age of 15, the handwriting is on the wall. Your teen either recognizes that adulthood is looming and their need to prepare for it, or they don’t.
It is very clear that I credit my education with my ability to rise out of generations of poverty. Even though approaching adulthood was terrifying and for it I felt utterly ill-prepared, I nevertheless applied myself more or less effectively to my studies in high school. I watched 3 younger sisters not do this, however. I then watched their lives go on to endure violence, addiction, and another generation of poverty. Watching was not fun and though often tapped for financial support in one way or another, I can’t say that I was able to effectively spare them or their children the consequences of this chaos.
There comes a time in the development of any child, that parents must abandon their fantasy of what is possible, to face the reality of what is probable. This is not to say that we give up all hope, only that we adapt to the situation before us rather than cling to our idea of what we hoped our efforts would “create”. There’s that engineering language again, huh?
Practically, this might involve any or all of the following as our children approach adulthood, and beginning this process sooner rather than later is always a good idea:
- Enter into a discussion of life goals re: career, family, and lifestyle and the responsibilities that come with adulthood. What do you hope life will be like in 5 years? 10? Remember, their brains won’t settle until about age 25 so keep your expectations and mouth in check.
- Work with your teen to envision your future relationship and the type of support that will be available from you and others. Remember, they don’t know what they don’t know. You’ll be there with friendly reminders when it’s time to register to vote, change the oil, or update a resume’. Whether they follow through on your reminder is ON THEM.
- Make a concerted effort to educate your teen about what changes as we move from childhood to adulthood. Make sure they know about their civic duty to participate in elections, as well as the legal obligations of marriage, community property, leases, car ownership, and having a credit card. (Doing this as a shoulder-to-shoulder brainstorming session rather than a lecture whenever possible.)
- Be firm about any expectations that come with continuing to live at home regarding curfew, chores, financial commitments, etc. It’s OK to draw the line when those expectations are violated and send your adult child out into the world. You’ll still be there for moral support, right? Ambivalence about it is high on both sides of the equation. Stalling doesn’t change what is inevitable, however.
- Reassess educational goals that tend to favor college preparation and explore on-line courses, trades, or sheltered workshops, knowing that there is dignity in all work.
- Assess the value of continued participation in those traditional education systems and consider shifting to Job Corps. The value of Job Corps is that it is open to 16-year-olds and provides practical job skills and training. As hard as you’ve tried to instill the values of promptness, reliability, and honesty, having another system pick up this baton and provide support in real world situations can be invaluable in the development of a young person struggling to fit in or even maintain any semblance of academic standing.
- Learn what it takes to have your child declared a vulnerable adult: a person 18 or older who is unable to protect themselves from abuse, neglect, or exploitation.
- Explore the possibility of Supplemental Security Income (SSI) for your vulnerable adult.
- Explore your capacity to continue to care for a vulnerable adult in your home, considering the needs of the other children in residence and your aging self. The transition to adulthood is a natural time to leave home so these changes are easier to swallow and can feel less rejecting or punitive at this life stage.
- Educate yourself to the option of a fiduciary, a person with an ethical obligation to act in your vulnerable adult’s best interests in matters of financial management.
- Get familiar with limits on ongoing healthcare benefits and options going forward, including the timing and eligibility for Medicare benefits.
- Consider establishing a healthcare proxy, if necessary.
Talk to other parents honestly about how vulnerable you feel. Ask how they have navigated these waters. Let go of the “We’re fine!” façade we tend to offer the world. Know that you did your best but that it is time to shift gears and plan for the future before you and your teen get caught off guard when they turn 18.
Resources
https://www.childtrauma.org/cta-library : This is Dr. Bruce Perry’s organization’s website where you can find resources for you and others who care for your child. No cost.
https://azcouncil.com/neurosequential-model-for-caregiving/ : This is a place to find a comprehensive collection of Dr. Perry’s free instructional videos.
https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/#sthash.pihb6kSI.dpbs :Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Karyn Purvis TCU. Dr Purvis offers another trauma informed take on living/working with children with chronic trauma histories. These have costs per video.
Books
Born for Love and The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, Bruce Perry
The Connected Child, Karyn Purvis
The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk
Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Golman
Videos
Perry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3is_3XHKKs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cv2sNQL-Blc on the classroom
Purvis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EZA4_xBdvY
Van der Kolk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoZT8-HqI64
Support
https://www.facebook.com/groups/feralneurodivergentragingmemeposting: This is a public Facebook group for people identifying as neurodivergent.
Trauma Informed Educators Network on Facebook
From the NEA: https://www.nea.org/professional-excellence/student-engagement/tools-tips/trauma-informed-practices
For Birthmothers: Bellis: “Compassionate support for women whose children are parented by others – no matter how that came to be.” https://www.mybellis.org/
Regulating Activity Ideas
29 Amazing Calm Down Tools For Kids to Self-Regulate at https://www.prenda.com/post/29-amazing-calm-down-tools-for-kids-to-self-regulate
What is Self-Regulation? (+95 Skills and Strategies) at https://positivepsychology.com/self-regulation/
Other resources worthy of exploration
Learner Safety at https://youtu.be/bND6XuFrEVQ
Neuroscience based brain training at https://v4.brainhq.com/
NEWS
- Check out the AZAFAP Event Calendar at https://azafap.gnosishosting.net/Events/Calendar.
- Our Friday night Happy Hour and Tuesday afternoon Coffee Chat continue. Some find the facilitator (me or Ricky) and a single other participant; others find a conversation among 4 to 6 people. The topics range from the silly to what hobbies have us in their grip to what life has thrown in our path. If you ever find yourself wanting a bit of grown-up conversation, consider joining us (check your email for the unchanging link).
- Parent Mentor Partners: AZAFAP has trained volunteer parents as mentors who are ready to help support foster, kinship, and adoptive parents through one-to-one conversations. Interested? Fill out the form at https://www.azafap.org/family-support-services/
Thanks for listening. Take care of yourself so you can be there reliably for others.
Peace,
Cathy (cathyt@azafap.org)
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