Capacity 101
We overfill a water balloon, and it pops before we can deploy it. We exceed the capacity of a paper bag, and it tears open and spills our groceries on the ground before we can place items on our shelves. We ignore the damp place on that paper bag at our peril; that moisture changes the bag’s integrity, and the damp spot becomes exactly where the bag will fail. Overfill our tires and our control of the vehicle is impaired when there is too little contact with the road; a blowout is more likely, and our braking system works less efficiently. As adults, most of us know a little about the consequences of exceeding the capacity of a wide variety of things in our world: bathtubs, clothes dryers, tummies, and coffee cups, just to name a few more.
But when it comes to love, we have succumbed to the notion that it is limitless. As a concept, I guess I agree but in practice I have my doubts.
As a concept, I certainly do my best to greet the world lovingly. If I can do that with ZERO expectations then that works just fine but as soon as I think that the love I send out leverages, earns, warrants, or ensures a response in kind, I am doomed to disappointment. My capacity for that disappointment may be a measure of the limits of my love. How many rejections can it withstand before my feelings get hurt, or, worse, I decide to withhold my “love” at our next encounter?
And, I should add, how does loving you differ from loving that guy sitting next to you? If, by love, we mean behavior that is supportive, encouraging, or conducive of another’s well being or happiness then maybe we have common ground on which we can explore this further. Love may have common emotional indicators but in practice, love looks different when we consider who we are loving.
I can love a stranger by yielding to them in dense traffic. Calling this love may seem a stretch at first but that driver’s well being is certainly being served by easing their travel experience. Love like this requires but a small gesture from my pool of loving resources. I can love my friend by giving her a call to hear about her day and the struggles she is facing. Sometimes, I can even show up to offer my services to get the dishes done or the lawn mowed. Sometimes, I show my love by simply calling her to chat when I need company and an ear to bend while I sort out something that is bothering me. This is when my trust and sense of safety defines my love of another person. I’m not going to call that guy in traffic in these moments, he may not be worthy of or interested in this level of trust.
Now, you may object that traffic courtesy and time with a grieving friend are not equal in this idea of love. I get that but I still think there is something worth considering here. I can encounter the world from a position of “me, me, me” or “us, us, us.” The “us” is the loving place.
Now let me be honest: I have certainly not been perfectly consistent in this approach to life. When I want to avoid being late to pick up the grandkids, I will reassess the cost of letting that stranger enter the flow of traffic or if they aren’t quick enough to respond to my gesture, I’m on my way quickly. How much time I’m willing to wait for that driver to see the gift I offer before them has its limits. My capacity for patience is not infinite.
A LOT of things influence my capacity: sleep, hunger, hydration, digestion, irritability, or anger that hasn’t dissipated yet, and, certainly, how many directions I’m being pulled in at that moment. How regulated I am matters.
This begins to look like my capacity to behave lovingly has its limits, too. It vacillates within the larger context of my life. I am even willing to go as far as to say I am reassessing my capacity all the time. In a way, I am constantly weighing the consequences of withholding my loving behavior. That guy in traffic won’t actually suffer if I don’t let him in front of me. But my friend’s suffering may actually be eased if I show up to do her laundry or mow her lawn. Both of us hope for the day when she doesn’t need this help from me.
We are responsible to reflect on the quality of our interactions with those close as well as those only briefly in contact with us. We are responsible to decide where to spend our available loving energy and when to mete it out in tiny or grand gestures. We are responsible to recognize the limits and consequences of those decisions. Sometimes, we are responsible to know when to invest our available loving energy to get the greatest bang for our buck and where to cut back so there is some left for where it can mean the most.
Sometimes, the best thing to do is to recruit new bringers of love (sort of like a meal train) so we don’t have to deliver all the needed casseroles, or all the patience required in every minute! Sometimes, the best thing to do is be honest about the difference our loving energy really can mean and admit that not only is our love limited, so is our power. Sometimes, we have to settle for sending a sweet card when we’d love to show up for a long warm chat but just don’t have it in us to give. Sometimes, we have to “fake it ‘til we make it” when our capacity is exceeded but we’re still on duty to deliver a sense of safety to another. We can maximize what we have to offer by investing in ourselves; by taking 5 minutes for ourselves 5 times every day and by making time to fill our own buckets with time with friends, time for our spirits, time for our hobbies, or anything else that serves to regulate us and allow us to bring our love to the child in front of us.
Resources
https://www.childtrauma.org/cta-library : This is Dr. Bruce Perry’s organization’s website where you can find resources for you and others who care for your child. No cost.
https://azcouncil.com/neurosequential-model-for-caregiving/ : This is a place to find a comprehensive collection of Dr. Perry’s free instructional videos.
https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/#sthash.pihb6kSI.dpbs :Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Karyn Purvis TCU. Dr Purvis offers another trauma informed take on living/working with children with chronic trauma histories. These have costs per video.
Books
Born for Love and The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, Bruce Perry
The Connected Child, Karyn Purvis
The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk
Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Golman
Videos
Perry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3is_3XHKKs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cv2sNQL-Blc on the classroom
Purvis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EZA4_xBdvY
Van der Kolk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoZT8-HqI64
Support
https://www.facebook.com/groups/feralneurodivergentragingmemeposting: This is a public Facebook group for people identifying as neurodivergent.
Trauma Informed Educators Network on Facebook
From the NEA: https://www.nea.org/professional-excellence/student-engagement/tools-tips/trauma-informed-practices
For Birthmothers: Bellis: “Compassionate support for women whose children are parented by others – no matter how that came to be.” https://www.mybellis.org/
Regulating Activity Ideas
29 Amazing Calm Down Tools For Kids to Self-Regulate at https://www.prenda.com/post/29-amazing-calm-down-tools-for-kids-to-self-regulate
What is Self-Regulation? (+95 Skills and Strategies) at https://positivepsychology.com/self-regulation/
Other resources worthy of exploration
Learner Safety at https://youtu.be/bND6XuFrEVQ
Neuroscience based brain training at https://v4.brainhq.com/
NEWS
- Check out the AZAFAP Event Calendar at https://azafap.gnosishosting.net/Events/Calendar.
- Our Friday night Happy Hour and Tuesday afternoon Coffee Chat continue. We’ve also added Wednesday R&R at 10 AM. Some find the facilitator (me or Michelle) and a single other participant; others find a conversation among 4 to 6 people. The topics range from the silly to what hobbies have us in their grip to what life has thrown in our path. If you ever find yourself wanting a bit of grown-up conversation, consider joining us (check your email for the unchanging link).
- Parent Mentor Partners: AZAFAP has trained volunteer parents as mentors who are ready to help support foster, kinship, and adoptive parents through one-to-one conversations. Interested? Fill out the form at https://www.azafap.org/family-support-services/
Thanks for listening. Take care of yourself so you can be there reliably for others.
Cathy (cathyt@azafap.org)
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