We had to euthanize our sweet chocolate lab, Atlas, Monday. He was 15 and in lots of pain, barely able to walk, deaf, and almost blind. All of us attended the event at a local veterinary clinic. It was very gentle and respectful. Our 8 and 11 y/o girls weren’t sure they wanted to be in the room but decided to stay. Our 8 y/o boy stayed curious and intellectualized until the vet said Atlas was gone. Only then did he cry and refuse to leave the room. I found that the experience sent me on a reflection of grief and loss. This beloved animal’s death was the sort of loss we think of when we speak of grief. The kind of grief you and children with trauma histories experience is often very different from this but is grief, nevertheless.
Grief is usually rampant in the worlds of families of children with chronic trauma histories. There is the grief the child bears about having not had needs met. There is the grief of losing familiar routines, however dysfunctional but still familiar. For some of these children, there is the grief of losing touch with siblings, parents and extended family. For you, dear reader, there is the grief of finding yourself in a world you never anticipated. When we open our hearts and homes to these children, hoping our love will heal their pain, we can find ourselves surprised and hurt when that love proves not up to the task at hand.
I think this falls into the category so beautifully put by the philosopher, Soren Kierkegaard, when he said: “The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you’ll never have.” We sometimes enter into parenthood with an idealized image of how it will be; only to discover it to be, as described by actor Alan Alda, “like throwing popcorn at the screen to warn the teenager not to go into the cellar of the haunted house.” When we live with teenagers with a trauma history, we are uniquely pressured to prepare them for another type of haunted house: adulthood.
Our greatest power is during a child’s first 3 years of life (it diminishes drastically after those early years and is then shared with friends, media, teachers, etc.). Even in utero, they begin to learn what to expect from the world. Even after birth, their world is still so small and essentially determined by just a few people: mom, dad, sibling, and caretaker. How responsive, patient, gentle, and reassuring these people are determines the child’s worldview: Does it meet my needs, keep me comfortable and well fed, or is it scary; does it ignore my needs and send me into agonizing discomfort and hunger with no or little relief?
When we commit to life with any child whose early years were marked by chronic neglect or active abuse, we sometimes struggle to comprehend the implications of those earliest of experiences and what it means to the child’s ability to receive what we have to offer. I’ve come to think of this as analogous to the relationship between radio waves and the radio itself. Anymore, the air is full of radio waves; even my TV remote relies on radio waves. Ever since Marconi, their air is full of them.
When I was a kid in Dallas, I could pick up Wolfman Jack on my little Texas Instruments transistor radio from as far away as Del Rio, Texas. That was a strong signal, and I had an effective receiver. To take this back to the subject at hand, though, I couldn’t have watched a Bugs Bunny cartoon on it; it wasn’t that kind of receiver.
You are not perfect, but I trust that if you are reading this, you are able to send a strong signal of love, patience, and commitment to the child in your home. I just want you to know that I understand how painful it is when that beautiful signal isn’t received as it was intended. That little receiver wasn’t built for it. It’s going to take months and years of rewiring (meaning thousands of repetitions of rhythmic, shoulder to shoulder moments designed to restore regulation and establish connection) for that brain to be able to receive the sort of typical sweet gestures you want to offer.
Until then, give yourself a hug, get another from a trusted friend who respects your commitment, and indulge in the things that bring you peace on a regular basis. Be honest about your capacity for this work, sometimes we do bite off more than we can chew. By doing this for yourself, you will be better able to find the patience for one more round of the bike riding, veggie chopping, dancing, or singing that helps rewire that child’s brain and repairs their receptiveness to the love you have to offer. Only when you are seen as a resource for comfort and safety will you be able to teach the lessons we all need before we open that cellar door to adulthood.
Resources
https://www.childtrauma.org/cta-library : This is Dr. Bruce Perry’s organization’s website where you can find resources for you and others who care for your child. No cost.
https://azcouncil.com/neurosequential-model-for-caregiving/ : This is a place to find a comprehensive collection of Dr. Perry’s free instructional videos.
https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/#sthash.pihb6kSI.dpbs :Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Karyn Purvis TCU. Dr Purvis offers another trauma informed take on living/working with children with chronic trauma histories. These have costs per video.
Books
Born for Love, Bruce Perry
The Connected Child, Karyn Purvis
The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk
Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Golman
Videos
Perry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3is_3XHKKs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cv2sNQL-Blc on the classroom
Purvis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EZA4_xBdvY
Van der Kolk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoZT8-HqI64
Support
https://www.facebook.com/groups/feralneurodivergentragingmemeposting: This is a public Facebook group for people identifying as neurodivergent.
Trauma Informed Educators Network on Facebook
From the NEA: https://www.nea.org/professional-excellence/student-engagement/tools-tips/trauma-informed-practices
Regulating Activity Ideas
29 Amazing Calm Down Tools For Kids to Self-Regulate at https://www.prenda.com/post/29-amazing-calm-down-tools-for-kids-to-self-regulate
What is Self-Regulation? (+95 Skills and Strategies) at https://positivepsychology.com/self-regulation/
Other resources worthy of exploration
Learner Safety at https://youtu.be/bND6XuFrEVQ
Neuroscience based brain training at https://v4.brainhq.com/
NEWS
- Check out the AZAFAP Event Calendar at https://azafap.gnosishosting.net/Events/Calendar.
- Our Friday night Happy Hour and Tuesday afternoon Coffee Chat continue. We’ve also added Wednesday R&R at 10 AM. Some find the facilitator (me or Michelle) and a single other participant; others find a conversation among 4 to 6 people. The topics range from the silly to what hobbies have us in their grip to what life has thrown in our path. If you ever find yourself wanting a bit of grown-up conversation, consider joining us (check your email for the unchanging link).
- Parent Mentor Partners: AZAFAP has trained volunteer parents as mentors who are ready to help support foster, kinship, and adoptive parents through one-to-one conversations. Interested? Fill out the form at https://www.azafap.org/family-support-services/
Thanks for listening. Take care of yourself so you can be there reliably for others.
Cathy (cathyt@azafap,org)
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