Help!
We go through life relying on a variety of sources of trusted information and which sources we trust change over time. As small children, we rely on our parents and caregivers almost exclusively. Too soon, however, that trust gives way to what I consider a misguided struggle for autonomy. By misguided, I mean parents and caregivers lose sight of what is really happening and work too hard to impose their authority viewing this struggle as simply defiance. Or not. To make things even more interesting, parents can employ their authority in two ways, according to Baumrind: Authoritative (warm and supportive) or Authoritarian (controlling). There are absolutely moments when any parent, however authoritative, needs to step in to take control of a dangerous situation but the authoritarian parent seeks ultimate control to the detriment of the child’s sense of competence, agency, and self-control. This is the parent who doesn’t want education to teach their children to think, they will tell their child what to think. Maccoby and Martin built on Baumrind’s ideas by adding a Neglectful category of parenting. For the purposes of this column and with nothing to back it up, I’m going to add a category of Exploitive. Probably akin to both Authoritarian and Neglectful but certainly descriptive of the experience many children have when living with parents struggling with addiction.
Over my career I’ve heard many horror stories about what lengths kids will go to in order to survive negligent parenting. I’m sure you have heard them, too, but let’s consider the experiences of exploited kids and this idea of competency. I’ve heard of children being used to manipulate/guilt trip vulnerable others out of money ranging from employing the child as leverage (“She needs to go to the doctor!”) to overtly fronting the child as a beggar. I’ve heard of child actors being robbed of their earnings and being the sole family income earner. And I’ve met adults who were ushered into the sex industry as child performers or groomed as child sex workers. So sad. So unfair.
With this context laid, let’s consider the consequences in light of child development and the psychosocial stages as described by Erikson. I often speak of the infant’s Trust vs. Mistrust stage here but let’s look at the later stages of Autonomy vs. Shame & Doubt for the toddler, Initiative vs. Guilt for the preschooler, and Industry vs. Inferiority for the elementary age child.
If you’ve spent your toddlerhood taking care of your inebriated/altered/stoned parent, your sense of Autonomy is HUGE. You’ve basically been on your own already. If DCS hasn’t removed you by age 3, that same dangerously inflated Autonomy now morphs into dangerously inflated Initiative. Imagine living in such a family into the school age years and facing the task of resolving Industry vs Inferiority when nobody cares if you go to school or not; it only matters whether you can heat up a can of soup for mom on the couch and feed yourself and your siblings.
Consider this: At our house in Flagstaff, summer evenings before supper have been spent in the backyard watching the 8-year-old twins and their 11-year-old sister practice cartwheels and roundoffs on the lawn. “Nana, are you looking?” “Daddy, did you see that!?” When I ask my grandchildren about their friends, they don’t mention their trustworthiness, or their sense of humor. They describe their ability to play baseball or dance or solve math problems easily.
Now let’s be honest. Which would you rather celebrate: an excellent cartwheel or the courage to approach a stranger for a handout? An A on a spelling test or the ability to find food in a trash can? Yeah, I know those “skills” are gross and “not appropriate” but in the development of that child, those were the way they navigated Erikson’s Psychosocial stages. Someday, in therapy, that child will be able to face how wrong it was to put them in that position.
Until then, however, consider that you might need to applaud, or at least express being impressed, that the child in your home rose to that unfortunate occasion, delivered what was expected of them, and survived. They survived in the only system they ever knew. They worked to please their caregivers as their caregivers required of them. “Good girl.” “Good boy.” Try not to dismiss the skillset because it was so revolting or tragic.
This balancing act between giving the support and guidance children need from us and respecting the hard won abilities they so love to demonstrate for our admiration gets extremely complicated when trying to “parent” a child with a chronic trauma history, i.e., negligent or exploitive parenting. So, find creative ways to give credit where credit is due. Respect what it took for this kid to make it another day. Give them some space to use their survival skills (not the creepy/sexual ones, set overt boundaries around those). Keep a wry sense of humor about the lies and give them many chances to add a few truthful details. Try not to take the manipulation personally and respect that it was a survival skill for years. Tone down your need to be the adult they’ve never known. And when the day comes when they ask you for help, do a happy dance. There is finally a light at the end of the tunnel: you have become the adult they didn’t know they needed. By the way: It might just scare the heck out of them so don’t be surprised if they take 3 steps back. Just sayin’.
Resources
https://www.childtrauma.org/cta-library : This is Dr. Bruce Perry’s organization’s website where you can find resources for you and others who care for your child. No cost.
https://azcouncil.com/neurosequential-model-for-caregiving/ : This is a place to find a comprehensive collection of Dr. Perry’s free instructional videos.
https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/#sthash.pihb6kSI.dpbs :Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Karyn Purvis TCU. Dr Purvis offers another trauma informed take on living/working with children with chronic trauma histories. These have costs per video.
Books
Born for Love and The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, Bruce Perry
The Connected Child, Karyn Purvis
The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk
Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Golman
Videos
Perry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3is_3XHKKs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cv2sNQL-Blc on the classroom
Purvis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EZA4_xBdvY
Van der Kolk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoZT8-HqI64
Support
https://www.facebook.com/groups/feralneurodivergentragingmemeposting: This is a public Facebook group for people identifying as neurodivergent.
Trauma Informed Educators Network on Facebook
From the NEA: https://www.nea.org/professional-excellence/student-engagement/tools-tips/trauma-informed-practices
For Birthmothers: Bellis: “Compassionate support for women whose children are parented by others – no matter how that came to be.” https://www.mybellis.org/
Regulating Activity Ideas
29 Amazing Calm Down Tools For Kids to Self-Regulate at https://www.prenda.com/post/29-amazing-calm-down-tools-for-kids-to-self-regulate
What is Self-Regulation? (+95 Skills and Strategies) at https://positivepsychology.com/self-regulation/
Other resources worthy of exploration
Learner Safety at https://youtu.be/bND6XuFrEVQ
Neuroscience based brain training at https://v4.brainhq.com/
NEWS
- Check out the AZAFAP Event Calendar at https://azafap.gnosishosting.net/Events/Calendar.
- Our Friday night Happy Hour and Tuesday afternoon Coffee Chat continue. We’ve also added Wednesday R&R at 10 AM. Some find the facilitator (me or Michelle) and a single other participant; others find a conversation among 4 to 6 people. The topics range from the silly to what hobbies have us in their grip to what life has thrown in our path. If you ever find yourself wanting a bit of grown-up conversation, consider joining us (check your email for the unchanging link).
- Parent Mentor Partners: AZAFAP has trained volunteer parents as mentors who are ready to help support foster, kinship, and adoptive parents through one-to-one conversations. Interested? Fill out the form at https://www.azafap.org/family-support-services/
Thanks for listening. Take care of yourself so you can be there reliably for others.
Cathy (cathyt@azafap.org)
Recent Comments