Kid Power 101
Last fall, I spent a week with a friend I hadn’t seen in 40 years. To my great relief, what we loved about each other as teens survived the ensuing years of our very different lives. As we each told stories to “catch up”, I realized that in spite of great tragedy in her adult life (she buried two husbands and a baby, and went through bankruptcy as a newly single parent after “pre-existing conditions” nixed insurance coverage for the costs of her now-deceased husband’s heart failure treatment and hers for cancer) she had other stories to demonstrate her resilience and commitment to a joyful life (she had 10 tickets to the Rolling Stones stolen from her van only to have a friend replace them at no cost. She became the self-described “redneck Martha Stewart” with TV spots for her mosaic art and craft lessons). I feel honored to be privy to these stories and haven’t laughed that hard in years.
I recall driving down the street one day when my grandson said, “I wish I was a grown up. Kids have too many rules!”. In response, I began to point out all the rules I was following in that very moment: stay in my lane, respect the speed limit, watch out for cyclists and pedestrians, show up on time, etc. As an adult (defined exclusively by the calendar) I find it harder and harder to have fun exactly because of those rules. The voice of adulthood nags at me constantly: Wash the dishes, put away the laundry, shop for groceries, brush your teeth, pay the bills, and on and on. The really sad part is we often contaminate our children with these same nagging voices. We convince ourselves that our responsibility to our children is to make sure that for them to similarly respond to the call of responsibility later, we must invest in that indoctrination now. Strangely, this isn’t really the way it works.
You learned to be adult by making a few mistakes along the way. Be honest about those lessons. Choose your moment carefully but seize the moment when it presents itself. Telling stories about yourself around the dinner table is a good plan. Telling stories about the kids’ challenges and victories is hugely valuable. The one going around our family these days is when Max hit gravel and flew over the handlebars of his bike. It was terrifying but he lived through it and was able to face that stretch of road eventually. It is shared family history. Not particularly momentous history like military service or winning an election but certainly important to Max. Every time it is told, everyone gets to remember their empathy for what it must have felt like for him and he gets to hold onto what it took to get back on that stretch of road. Resiliency in action!
The more we share the stories of our own historic struggles, the more children understand what adulthood is really like. This sharing seems to role model the agency we employ against the slings and arrows that life throws at us. The more we play with them, the more children come to trust our evaluation of a given situation and the strategies employed to overcome obstacles. The play itself strengthens our bonds. We got a new game for Christmas: Outsmarted. It’s a trivia game with a unique age category for the players. This way, older players get to fail in front of younger players. Brilliant!
I like this definition from Dictionary.com: “FUN: noun, something that provides mirth or amusement: A picnic would be fun. Synonyms: gaiety, play, pleasure, merriment enjoyment or playfulness: She’s full of fun.” Another offers a slightly different take. From Merriam Webster: “fun: what provides amusement or enjoyment. specifically : playful often boisterous action or speech. full of fun. 2. : a mood for finding or making amusement.” Keyword: PLAY.
The nature of play depends on the child’s developmental level. Even though the calendar says I’m 73, my developmental level apparently spans a broader range of fun than is typical of folks my age and includes great cartoons, discovering new music, and getting very silly with my grandkids. I have to admit, however, that I am no longer amused by the ever-popular fart and poop jokes that have them rolling on the floor and must temper my inclination to shut it down. Why do I let it carry on? Because they find it hilarious, and hilarity is good for them. I learned from their parents that even without my intervention, this, too, shall pass. Pun intended.
To kick off 2025, I challenge you to play a bit more. Tell a few stories about yourself, the funnier the better but even the hard lessons are valuable and worth sharing. With this in mind, I offer a joke and a dark cartoon (trusting fair use to keep AZAFAP out of court). The first from a guy on Quora; the second is one of my darker faves.
One night 4 college students were out partying late and did not study for a test scheduled for the next day.
In the morning, they thought of a plan. They made themselves filthy with grease and dirt and then went up to the Dean to report that they had gone out to a wedding the night before and upon their return, a tire on their car burst. They had to push it all the way back to campus and were, therefore, in no condition to appear for the test.
The Dean generously said they could have the re-test in 3 days. They thanked him, confident they could be ready by then.
On the third day they appeared as planned. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 points.
Q.1. Your Name…………….(2 points)
Q.2. Which tire burst? (98 points)
a) Front Left b) Front Right c) Back Left d) Back Right
“His name is Bradshaw. He says he understands I came from a single parent den with inadequate role models. He senses that my dysfunctional behavior is shame based and co-dependent and he urges me to let my inner cub heal…………………. I say we eat him.”
Resources
https://www.childtrauma.org/cta-library : This is Dr. Bruce Perry’s organization’s website where you can find resources for you and others who care for your child. No cost.
https://azcouncil.com/neurosequential-model-for-caregiving/ : This is a place to find a comprehensive collection of Dr. Perry’s free instructional videos.
https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/#sthash.pihb6kSI.dpbs :Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Karyn Purvis TCU. Dr Purvis offers another trauma informed take on living/working with children with chronic trauma histories. These have costs per video.
Books
Born for Love and The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, Bruce Perry
The Connected Child, Karyn Purvis
The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk
Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Golman
Videos
Perry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3is_3XHKKs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cv2sNQL-Blc on the classroom
Purvis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EZA4_xBdvY
Van der Kolk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoZT8-HqI64
Merzenich: https://www.ted.com/talks/michael_merzenich_growing_evidence_of_brain_plasticity?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare
Support
https://www.facebook.com/groups/feralneurodivergentragingmemeposting: This is a public Facebook group for people identifying as neurodivergent.
Trauma Informed Educators Network on Facebook
From the NEA: https://www.nea.org/professional-excellence/student-engagement/tools-tips/trauma-informed-practices
For Birthmothers: Bellis: “Compassionate support for women whose children are parented by others – no matter how that came to be.” https://www.mybellis.org/
Regulating Activity Ideas
29 Amazing Calm Down Tools For Kids to Self-Regulate at https://www.prenda.com/post/29-amazing-calm-down-tools-for-kids-to-self-regulate
What is Self-Regulation? (+95 Skills and Strategies) at https://positivepsychology.com/self-regulation/
Other resources worthy of exploration
Learner Safety at https://youtu.be/bND6XuFrEVQ
Neuroscience based brain training at https://v4.brainhq.com/
NEWS
1. Check out the AZAFAP Event Calendar at https://azafap.gnosishosting.net/Events/Calendar.
2. Our Friday night Happy Hour and Tuesday afternoon Coffee Chat continue. We’ve also added Wednesday R&R at 10 AM. Some find the facilitator (me or Michelle) and a single other participant; others find a conversation among 4 to 6 people. The topics range from the silly to what hobbies have us in their grip to what life has thrown in our path. If you ever find yourself wanting a bit of grown-up conversation, consider joining us (check your email for the unchanging link).
3. Parent Mentor Partners: AZAFAP has trained volunteer parents as mentors who are ready to help support foster, kinship, and adoptive parents through one-to-one conversations. Interested? Fill out the form at https://www.azafap.org/family-support-services/
Thanks for listening. Take care of yourself so you can be there reliably for others.
Peace,
Cathy (cathyt@azafap.org)
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