Leaving the Nest: Adulting 101
I may have said this before, but just to be sure: being the parent of a teen wasn’t easy, but it paled in comparison to parenting a 20-plus-year-old. As long as they were living at home, I could tell myself that I knew they were safe at least part of the time. Once they moved out, those illusions evaporated completely. Years later, I would find solace in a catchy song from an animated movie my grandkids love: “I wanna try everything … even though I could fail… I’ll keep on making those new mistakes” (“Try Everything” sung by Shakira in Zootopia and written by Sia, Tor Hermansen, and Mikkel Eriksen).
It’s ironic because, in my own 20’s, I attributed my mistakes to how alone I was, how there was really nowhere to turn for help; that with just a semblance of guidance, I would have made better choices. Looking back, I finally recognize that these mistakes are fairly universal, regardless of the support system in place. There may be a parachute or a safety net available to catch you when you fall, but the mistake happens, nevertheless. That parachute, that safety net, matters and the spirit in which it is offered, matters a lot. When we decide to withhold it matters even more. The parental magic is in knowing when to leave the problem solving to the young person, when to provide guidance and when to offer actual rescue: how to calculate the risks of any of these three options. When are we to sit back and watch a person we love take their knocks with the natural consequences of any decision and when are we to step in and with how much? This is the issue that makes this transition period so tricky. (I’ll save a discussion about where the lines are for our government in these moments for time together over a glass of wine.)
When life was much simpler, we used to have tidy little rites of passage marking the transition from childhood into adulthood. One day you were a child, but after a ceremony ranging from 30 minutes to a 3 month long quest, you emerged an adult, recognized by your social group with full benefits and responsibilities. We might throw in to get that barn raised but having the resources to build it was on you. For centuries, our societies consisted of a rather limited number of roles you could slot into or be slotted into: laborer, peasant/tenant farmer, slave, driver, fisherman, blacksmith, miller, farmer, cooper, cook, potter, weaver, cartwright, merchant, scribe, priest, militiaman, and, much later, factory worker. Unless you were a member of the landed gentry/aristocracy, this was the list available to you; and for women, the list was extremely limited and vastly different. Before all this, we all were hunters or gatherers. Period.
Nowadays, though, life has gotten so complicated that we have years and years of transitional intermission between the first act of childhood and the act we call adulthood. It should be said that my generation, fondly and derisively, in turn, called Boomers, was the first pool of adolescents to be recognized as consumers. Until the Boomers, movies were made for grown-ups. Music was written for adults. Clothing for children looked like clothing for adults, pants got longer, but that was about it. Boomers had money in their pockets. Our time outside of the classroom put money in our pockets, it didn’t just keep the eggs gathered, the hay put up, and the cows milked.
Folks, we’ve given a vast number of us with the self-control of squirrel monkeys and a variety of appetites akin to those of lions a significant place in our consumer economy. These young adults are gonna make plenty of mistakes when the world around them is constantly appealing to and opening doors to satisfy those appetites and impulses. Their brains typically don’t fully mature until about age 25. That’s 7 years as legal adults until they can think straight. Don’t get me started on the role social media has on them. Suffice it to say, it’s huge.
I know I’m going on and on, but this is a big deal. By my count, we have at most 4 generations with any experience navigating these mass marketed waters of adolescence. Our kids aren’t stealing, impulsively or otherwise, an apple out of someone’s orchard, or a watermelon out of their patch; they’re told that they are losers if they don’t have THOSE trainers/jeans/sunglasses, THOSE eyelashes, THIS car, funds for THAT game/concert/bar/trip, and for some, THIS education, THAT address. I know, I know: our economy depends on all this spending. I’m just wanting to point out that we don’t have a lot of experience teaching the next generation how to resist this pressure or even how to protect themselves from its lure. The aristocracy/oligarchy has notoriously indulged their every whim but the rest of us had to earn our place in society by our wits and skills (if even allowed to participate at all). In any case, it was only the adults who bore the burden of social expectations and those were communicated locally and face-to-face with the occasional rumor from some far off place about the latest fad in fashion or flowers. Now, our young people are being pressured globally and 24/7 by the technology that dominates their days.
Even if we successfully withhold indulging our children with the latest thing; even if we keep them focused on being responsible students, achieving all the milestones we set before them in the name of a good future, it may still be that upon arriving at that good future, they will find themselves in a new system driving them toward a whole new pile of latest things. In fact, our economy requires that exactly this happens.
I am amused to recall feeling flattered that I was sent a credit card in the mail in my late 20’s. Not a letter offering me one, the actual card just showed up out of the blue. I was honored to have been chosen to be entrusted with a credit card. It was years later that I read a hilarious little booklet by republican economist, writer, and actor (“Bueller? Bueller?…Anyone? Anyone?”), Ben Stein, that I understood what was really going on. The message: spend now, please, we don’t care of you don’t know how to handle this opportunity well. (BTW: this could only have happened after 1974 when the U.S. congress passed the Equal Credit Opportunity Act giving me the right to get a credit card under my own signature, free of my husband’s co-signature.)
I remember when my daughter’s best friend got herself in a financial pickle when she maxed out her “emergency” credit card treating her sorority sisters to pizza (and beer?) on the weekends. It isn’t hard to classify this as a mistake. Her safety net is of interest here, though. She chose to turn to an older brother for help getting it paid off rather than turning to her parents in an attempt to avoid disappointing them. The good news is that this happened only once. This “new mistake” was also one trial learning. I can’t tell you if she ever paid him back. I hope she did if that was the agreement they made but knowing that this mistake was not repeated is enough for me.
In the spirit of this, I asked ChatGPT to show me the most common mistakes made by 20-year-olds. Because of whom my audience is presumed to be, I want to point out that this list is not restricted to adoptees or those aging out of the foster care system. It applies to anyone is this age group, independent of their support system. Here’s the list:
Financial: Spending excessively on entertainment or material goods.
Career: Settling for income independent of one’s actual interest.
Independence: “Being overly dependent on a partner. Not communicating effectively, settling for unhealthy relationships due to fear of being alone.”
Personal Development: Procrastination, lack of self-care, neglect of health, stagnant learning.
Social: Comparing oneself to others to the detriment of self-esteem.
This is the part of the column/blog when I’m to offer you concrete solutions to the “problems” I’ve described above. First, it couldn’t hurt to share this with your young person. Just see where the conversation takes you. Second, invest in the time it takes to discuss the issue with your co-parent before the time comes to make a hard decision. Finally, as hard as I try to explore some new subject matter, I keep coming back to the same thing: connection.
When I am secure in our connection, when I feel safe in your company and trust you to have my best interests at heart, amazing things can happen. I can take that trust deep inside myself and finally care about me as much as you do. I can try to listen closely to your words, knowing that I might recognize an application of their guidance tomorrow and, thereby, successfully avoid a dire consequence of my behavior (dodge a bullet). I can take time to assess the character of those who want my attention for whatever reason, whether to sell me something or just to glow in it, because I know what it means to be loved. I’ve felt it and watched it happen again and again. I can defer satisfaction because I am confident that the world is abundant and I have the ability to find what I need, even if I have to wait a while and/or find others to help me make it happen. I can conduct an honest assessment of my abilities and set goals accordingly because I understand all work has dignity. I can take risks because when one doesn’t pay off, I am finally resilient enough to dust off my self-esteem a bit and try again, lesson learned.
When some of these elements are fragile or missing altogether, it might just be really hard to smoothly or even admirably navigate a complicated world that is so often lacking in mercy. This is when all that self-care pays off for parents: we can face each day with the patience and compassion that offers an honest and very personal answer to the questions: What, really, should I do? Where do I draw the line?
Resources
https://www.childtrauma.org/cta-library : This is Dr. Bruce Perry’s organization’s website where you can find resources for you and others who care for your child. No cost.
https://azcouncil.com/neurosequential-model-for-caregiving/ : This is a place to find a comprehensive collection of Dr. Perry’s free instructional videos.
https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/#sthash.pihb6kSI.dpbs :Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Karyn Purvis TCU. Dr Purvis offers another trauma informed take on living/working with children with chronic trauma histories. These have costs per video.
Books
Born for Love and The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, Bruce Perry
The Connected Child, Karyn Purvis
The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk
Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Golman
Videos
Perry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3is_3XHKKs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cv2sNQL-Blc on the classroom
Purvis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EZA4_xBdvY
Van der Kolk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoZT8-HqI64
Support
https://www.facebook.com/groups/feralneurodivergentragingmemeposting: This is a public Facebook group for people identifying as neurodivergent.
Trauma Informed Educators Network on Facebook
From the NEA: https://www.nea.org/professional-excellence/student-engagement/tools-tips/trauma-informed-practices
For Birthmothers: Bellis: “Compassionate support for women whose children are parented by others – no matter how that came to be.” https://www.mybellis.org/
Regulating Activity Ideas
29 Amazing Calm Down Tools For Kids to Self-Regulate at https://www.prenda.com/post/29-amazing-calm-down-tools-for-kids-to-self-regulate
What is Self-Regulation? (+95 Skills and Strategies) at https://positivepsychology.com/self-regulation/
Other resources worthy of exploration
Learner Safety at https://youtu.be/bND6XuFrEVQ
Neuroscience based brain training at https://v4.brainhq.com/
NEWS
- Check out the AZAFAP Event Calendar at https://azafap.gnosishosting.net/Events/Calendar.
- Our Friday night Happy Hour (2nd & 4th Fridays) and Tuesday afternoon Coffee Chat (1st & 3rd Tuesdays) continue. Some find the facilitator (me or Ricky) and a single other participant; others find a conversation among 4 to 6 people. The topics range from the silly to what hobbies have us in their grip to what life has thrown in our path. If you ever find yourself wanting a bit of grown-up conversation, consider joining us (check your email for the unchanging link).
- Parent Mentor Partners: AZAFAP has trained volunteer parents as mentors who are ready to help support foster, kinship, and adoptive parents through one-to-one conversations. Interested? Fill out the form at https://www.azafap.org/family-support-services/
Thanks for listening. Take care of yourself so you can be there reliably for others.
Peace,
Cathy (cathyt@azafap.org)
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