I usually enjoy the holidays. I get shopping done early so I don’t have to add that to the cooking, wrapping, togetherness, decorating, and reflection this time of year brings. But there was a time in my life when I dreaded the holidays. As a child, the holidays seemed to be a guarantee that things at home would be especially chaotic and stressful, usually marked by violence. These many years later, I am not spared those memories, and they serve to temper my expectations and to make me more grateful for the life I have made for myself. I no longer dread the holidays, but they are still a mixed bag of emotions.
Upon reflection, I suspect that my parents brought their own baggage to the holidays. Both had grown up poor and without fathers as breadwinners at a time when it was close to impossible for women to earn enough to provide adequately for the needs of their children without help. Nevertheless, we children spent enough time in front of the TV to be indoctrinated as consumers of whatever toy was hot that year. I remember the Chatty Cathy Christmas and later, the Barbie Christmas. Don’t misunderstand, we were also in church every Sunday throughout the Advent Season, so we knew well what we were supposed to focus on. The TV won out and the constant threat of violence kept us all on edge.
The children you live with have complicated experiences with Christmas, too. They, too, are subject to all the hype about what gift they “deserve” come Christmas morning. Some come from different faith traditions, but all are similarly deluged with ads, and muzak, and Christmas décor at every turn. “City sidewalks, busy sidewalks, dressed in holiday style.” To quote the song by Livingston and Evans. I live in the small city of Flagstaff, but the bustle is in full swing as I write this.
For the children with whom you live, I am sensitive to all the talk about family at this time of year. Some of you have achieved the status of family for these children but some of you have not. I would encourage you to support the kids to make art, send letters and generally connect with absent family members. If you are lucky enough to be in the company of a child who gets to be happy over the holidays, this connection can ease any worry or guilt the child might have about family members’ happiness or lack thereof.
So, between the complicated history with this season and the constant cues declaring it, your children from hard places, as Karen Purvis, gently called them, are swimming against a current of overstimulation. I hope you will keep this in mind as you move through your routines.
Take a lot of breaks. Be alert to signs of overwhelm. Monitor sugar consumption and balance it with plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables. Intersperse busy-ness with time for dancing, walking, coloring, etc. Anything rhythmic will help keep everyone, even you, well regulated. Try not to wait for the meltdown, head it off with deep breathing and rhythm.
Be prepared to navigate disappointment with gentleness and grace. Acts of service can go far in helping children have perspective on their blessings but be prepared for big feelings if birth mom or birth dad are among the homeless but just not visible. I strongly encourage you to facilitate letters “for the file” from adopted children to their birthparents if yours is not an open adoption. Your adoption agency will share it anytime an inquiry is made. Your older children may be reluctant to bring this up and may really appreciate it if you do. Just non-identifying news of current interests and skills mean a lot to the people who also hold your child in their hearts.
Ours is a beautiful world. The journeys each of us takes in this beautiful world are seldom straight lines. Few of us have the lives we envisioned as we embarked on our adulthood. This season, find it in your heart to honor that each of us is endowed with only the pursuit of happiness. Some of us are just more prepared to find it than others.
Resources
https://www.childtrauma.org/cta-library : This is Dr. Bruce Perry’s organization’s website where you can find resources for you and others who care for your child. No cost.
https://azcouncil.com/neurosequential-model-for-caregiving/ : This is a place to find a comprehensive collection of Dr. Perry’s free instructional videos.
https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/#sthash.pihb6kSI.dpbs :Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Karyn Purvis TCU. Dr Purvis offers another trauma informed take on living/working with children with chronic trauma histories. These have costs per video.
Books
Born for Love and The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, Bruce Perry
The Connected Child, Karyn Purvis
The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk
Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Golman
Videos
Perry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3is_3XHKKs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cv2sNQL-Blc on the classroom
Purvis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EZA4_xBdvY
Van der Kolk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoZT8-HqI64
Merzenich: https://www.ted.com/talks/michael_merzenich_growing_evidence_of_brain_plasticity?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare
Support
https://www.facebook.com/groups/feralneurodivergentragingmemeposting: This is a public Facebook group for people identifying as neurodivergent.
Trauma Informed Educators Network on Facebook
From the NEA: https://www.nea.org/professional-excellence/student-engagement/tools-tips/trauma-informed-practices
For Birthmothers: Bellis: “Compassionate support for women whose children are parented by others – no matter how that came to be.” https://www.mybellis.org/
Regulating Activity Ideas
29 Amazing Calm Down Tools For Kids to Self-Regulate at https://www.prenda.com/post/29-amazing-calm-down-tools-for-kids-to-self-regulate
What is Self-Regulation? (+95 Skills and Strategies) at https://positivepsychology.com/self-regulation/
Other resources worthy of exploration
Learner Safety at https://youtu.be/bND6XuFrEVQ
Neuroscience based brain training at https://v4.brainhq.com/
NEWS
1. Check out the AZAFAP Event Calendar at https://azafap.gnosishosting.net/Events/Calendar.
2. Our Friday night Happy Hour and Tuesday afternoon Coffee Chat continue. We’ve also added Wednesday R&R at 10 AM. Some find the facilitator (me or Michelle) and a single other participant; others find a conversation among 4 to 6 people. The topics range from the silly to what hobbies have us in their grip to what life has thrown in our path. If you ever find yourself wanting a bit of grown-up conversation, consider joining us (check your email for the unchanging link).
3. Parent Mentor Partners: AZAFAP has trained volunteer parents as mentors who are ready to help support foster, kinship, and adoptive parents through one-to-one conversations. Interested? Fill out the form at https://www.azafap.org/family-support-services/
Thanks for listening. Take care of yourself so you can be there reliably for others.
Cathy (cathyt@azafap.org)
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