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The Power of Togetherness

I had the pleasure of attending the Southwest Collaborative Music Convergence in Flagstaff on Labor Day weekend. I heard 12 people create a sound environment that brought moments of great beauty interspersed within an often strange environment of sounds evocative of a wide range of emotions, time, and space. All of this magic was improvised: not a single page of sheet music in sight. The key to this wonderful experience was in these musicians’ mastery of their instruments (their tools), and their ability to listen intensely (be attuned to) the sounds made by their fellow performers. I am as surprised as anyone that I came away with inspiration galore about what to share with you, our AZAFAP members and the broader reading community of parents of adopted and foster children with histories of trauma but here it comes.

At the ripe old age of 73, I have concluded that I am not in control of much. I do my best to define a few aspects of my life: I pay my bills; get medical attention when I need it; eat a wide variety of fresh, minimally processed foods; drink plenty of water;  get a good night’s sleep; meditate (almost) daily; and pay similar attention to the maintenance of my home and vehicle. Within these self-generated conditions, I am relatively free to engage in life but in spite of my best efforts, I am often truly at the whim of the universe.

By life, I mean my family, my friends, my community, my country, and the natural world. Once I step out of my house, I give up beaucoup control. I am hungry for the novelty I find beyond the safe confines of home. I thrive when I get to enjoy a lively conversation with a dear friend or someone new (though the content is typically quite different. How vulnerable am I really willing to be?) Actually, as soon as I open the door to any of my three grandchildren, I give up most control. Thank goodness! In addition to the wide array of germs they serve as vectors for, these glorious grandchildren bring a perspective on life that I am at risk of losing but if I can roll with it, we have fun together.

I think that’s where I’m going with all this. Life IS improvisation, whether we are living it with a few trusted people or with a child with a history that is pretty much unfathomable, we are called upon to roll with it. By “rolling with it” I mean being attuned to what is needed of me in the moment just like that magnificent improvisational music required of those 12 performers. If, when in my company, you cry, do I give a hug or simply sit quietly with you? If, when in my company, you freak out and get a bit scary, do I threaten the consequences of your outburst (no Fortnite for the rest of the day) or give you space to vent your feelings while reassuring you of my commitment to your safety? When we yield to the limits of our control, we give up rage, we let go of feeling responsible for the lives of others, we find ourselves open to seeing the world a bit differently and finding new ways of bringing ourselves to it. When we open ourselves up to curiosity, we can finally discover what we can contribute and the moment to deliver it.

  1. Since we can’t control everything, can we be content with creating a place safe enough for self-expression?
  2. Can we give up investment in the outcome?
  3. When we give up so much control, we have to be realistic about what influence we really are called upon to deliver in service of that beautiful safe place. I don’t want to be a source of unpredictability unless I playfully want to surprise my grandchildren. I want to be essentially dependable and reliable, so I am responsible for maintaining my own mood and what it takes to keep myself regulated/emotionally stable. I want to be transparent about the few boundaries I consider basic: no violence; no shaming; respect for other’s needs even if I can’t meet them (like time to play or the type of play that is needed but might not seem “age appropriate”); and access to clean water and nourishment (which anymore brings broader community and political obligations). With these in place, we are free to talk openly, play freely, make stuff together, and explore the world around us.
  4. Those improvisational musicians created something truly ephemeral. I’m not sure a recording could come close to what I experienced sharing that space with them. I’m struck with their commitment to the process independent of any guarantee of outcome. They seemed so content to trust their technical skills and the collaborative process. I’ve spent a lifetime in process, never knowing if my efforts “landed.” For this reason, I needed a “product.” I love a time-limited project for which there is a recognizable ending, a product. A meal, a wreath, a blog, a manicure, a freshly made bed. Small victories! Why? Because, professionally, those brief weekly connections I made with kids, their families, students, or employees, rarely resulted in anything like a measurable outcome. Most of the time, I simply plant seeds but never know the harvest. I strive to be a person of integrity and one willing to be fully present in an effort to comprehend what is needed of me, but any certainty of that is usually quite elusive. I have had to be content that I have given my best given the skills I brought to the moment. I have had to let go of any proof of the fruits of my labor. When I want to know that my investment has paid off, I look for a project that generates a product rather than something so ephemeral as a human encounter.

Folks, even as I write this, there is no way for me to know whether or not it will resonate with you, inform you, support you, soothe you, encourage you, or annoy you. When I finally finish editing it: checking grammar and punctuation, making sure that the tone is friendly and informative but not too pedantic, I will declare it the best use of the tools and skills available to me and set it free in the webiverse for someone’s, anyone’s encounter. My success is not contingent on whether you, dear reader, glean all you can from it. My success is simply that I’ve given it my best.

I encourage you to bring this mindset to life with these children from hard places. The proof of your love is not in their recovery, the proof of your love is that you are able to roll with it because you take care of yourself, bring your favorite set of tools/toys/skills in service of their need for regulation and connection (however brief), set simple and clear boundaries, and find ways to celebrate that you have brought your best to each moment. Why? Because those brief connections are the magic of our humanity. Connections are the healing that prepares them for cooperating when they are called to and for speaking up for themselves when we must exercise self-protection. You are the penultimate of improvisers, ever pivoting, ever reprioritizing. You are amazing. Do it again tomorrow even if your heart got broken today.

Resources

https://www.childtrauma.org/cta-library : This is Dr. Bruce Perry’s organization’s website where you can find resources for you and others who care for your child. No cost

https://azcouncil.com/neurosequential-model-for-caregiving/ : This is a place to find a comprehensive collection of Dr. Perry’s free instructional videos.

https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/#sthash.pihb6kSI.dpbs :Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Karyn Purvis TCU. Dr Purvis offers another trauma informed take on living/working with children with chronic trauma histories. These have costs per video.

Books

Born for Love and The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, Bruce Perry

The Connected Child, Karyn Purvis

The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk

Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Golman

Videos

Perry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3is_3XHKKs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cv2sNQL-Blc on the classroom

Purvis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EZA4_xBdvY

Van der Kolk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoZT8-HqI64

Merzenich: https://www.ted.com/talks/michael_merzenich_growing_evidence_of_brain_plasticity?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare

Support

https://www.facebook.com/groups/feralneurodivergentragingmemeposting: This is a public Facebook group for people identifying as neurodivergent.

Trauma Informed Educators Network on Facebook

From the NEA: https://www.nea.org/professional-excellence/student-engagement/tools-tips/trauma-informed-practices

For Birthmothers: Bellis: “Compassionate support for women whose children are parented by others – no matter how that came to be.”  https://www.mybellis.org/

Regulating Activity Ideas

29 Amazing Calm Down Tools For Kids to Self-Regulate at https://www.prenda.com/post/29-amazing-calm-down-tools-for-kids-to-self-regulate

What is Self-Regulation? (+95 Skills and Strategies) at https://positivepsychology.com/self-regulation/

Other resources worthy of exploration

Learner Safety at https://youtu.be/bND6XuFrEVQ

Neuroscience based brain training at https://v4.brainhq.com/

NEWS

  1. Check out the AZAFAP Event Calendar at https://azafap.gnosishosting.net/Events/Calendar.
  2. Our Friday night Happy Hour and Tuesday afternoon Coffee Chat continue. We’ve also added Wednesday R&R at 10 AM. Some find the facilitator (me or Michelle) and a single other participant; others find a conversation among 4 to 6 people. The topics range from the silly to what hobbies have us in their grip to what life has thrown in our path. If you ever find yourself wanting a bit of grown-up conversation, consider joining us (check your email for the unchanging link).
  3. Parent Mentor Partners: AZAFAP has trained volunteer parents as mentors who are ready to help support foster, kinship, and adoptive parents through one-to-one conversations. Interested? Fill out the form at https://www.azafap.org/family-support-services/

Thanks for listening. Take care of yourself so you can be there reliably for others.

Cathy (cathyt@azafap.org)