I’m continually amazed by how much time I spend considering the human condition. As a child, I remember thinking that my family was one of a kind and that Leave it to Beaver was showing me what all other families were like. My aspirations tended toward helping teens realize their power to live lives vastly different from those of their families of origin. I had no idea how high I had set the bar for myself because I had no idea how hard some kids were swimming upstream.
It took me years to comprehend why I escaped the cycle my parents modeled and even longer to understand why I couldn’t help my sisters avoid their own perpetuation of this tragedy. In my retirement, in addition to the support groups I offer through AZAFAP and this BLOG, I have turned to poetry to help me process some of the understanding a lifetime has offered me. On good days I am at peace in this understanding; on bad days I jump on my Hamster Wheel of Self Doubt and Blame until I finally face the grief behind it all. With this in mind, I am finding the courage to share with you some of the poetry that has come from this reflection. As usual, your response to this offering is always welcome. You can find my email below.
There was a time
There was a time
When your every wish was my command
When you lit up my rooms
When my life rotated on the axis of your being.
Time can have such a short shelf life
Some might say, not short enough.
Now I have to content myself
Looking in through a window
And being glad of it.
Finally
If I were Carly Simon
This would be about your vanity
But I’m not so
Here we go.
It’s about pouting when your angle fails
And how you put on airs
In spaces with no exit.
I must watch you stumble
Knowing that if I try to catch you
It wouldn’t make any difference
It would just hurt both of us
And you would blame me for your tripping.
If I Could Hold Time
If I could hold time
Just for myself
I think I’d like
To watch you travel your path.
I think.
I could be wrong.
Maybe the mystery is better.
Not knowing might be less painful.
I’m optimistic but
You never know
Unless you hold time
And get to watch
On a Brighter Note
When in
The
Course
Of a
Day
I can celebrate
Being alive again
All the other
Nonsense
Drops away
To let me see
The beauty around me
In spite
of
the
Horrors
a little
Further away
My Wish for You
Watching you across the lawn
I wish I could share
all that I have learned
as if doing so
would spare you
the learning.
As if doing so
would guarantee
your successful navigation
of a world that is no longer.
Time Enough
I want time enough to know how it all turns out
But as soon as something turns out
Something else comes along needing to be turned out
So I guess I’ll have to be content to witness what I can.
I don’t want to miss a thing
So I better pay attention.
There’s a lot of dancing and water pistols yet to be seen.
There is certainly plenty of music still.
I find I’m liking things more discordant than before
Probably because the new stuff never resolves.
Maybe it’s how I found out about
Never getting to know how things are going to turn out
Redemption
At arms’ length
Focus improves.
With a little distance
Veils drop away and clarity returns.
This space is necessary.
Necessary for it allows delusion and illusion
To fade just enough for warmth to penetrate their clouds again.
Love Poem #1
Sweet Peas
Roquefort cheese
Daffodils
Paid off bills
A great book
Not having to cook
The quiet of snow
A grandchild’s show
A dear friend
Money to lend
Poems that work
Ignoring a jerk
A great night’s sleep
Conversations deep
I love generously
the sorrow it can bring me
just part of the deal.
©Cathy Tompkins 2025
Resources (a few new ones) https://www.childtrauma.org/cta-library : This is Dr. Bruce Perry’s organization’s website where you can find resources for you and others who care for your child. No cost. https://azcouncil.com/neurosequential-model-for-caregiving/ : This is a place to find a comprehensive collection of Dr. Perry’s free instructional videos. https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/#sthash.pihb6kSI.dpbs :Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Karyn Purvis TCU. Dr Purvis offers another trauma informed take on living/working with children with chronic trauma histories. These have costs per video.
Books
Born for Love and The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, Bruce Perry
The Connected Child, Karyn Purvis
The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk
Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Golman
Videos Perry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3is_3XHKKs https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cv2sNQL-Blc on the classroom Purvis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EZA4_xBdvY Van der Kolk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoZT8-HqI64 Golman: https://youtu.be/Y7m9eNoB3NU
Addiction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6xbXOp7wDA
Merzenich: https://www.ted.com/talks/michael_merzenich_growing_evidence_of_brain_plasticity?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare
Adolescent Risk Taking: https://www.cornell.edu/video/social-neuroscience-perspective-adolescent-risk-taking
Support
There’s a Reddit forum, r/Adoption, where adoptees share their thoughts on their search.
Ancestry.com has a DNA test that helps with genetic information and even searches. Facebook has Birth parents and adopted children looking for their families. 31,000 members strong, full of tips for searchers.
Trauma Informed Educators Network on Facebook From the NEA: https://www.nea.org/professional-excellence/student-engagement/tools-tips/trauma-informed-practices
For Birthmothers: Bellis: “Compassionate support for women whose children are parented by others – no matter how that came to be.” https://www.mybellis.org/
Regulating Activity Ideas 29 Amazing Calm Down Tools For Kids to Self-Regulate at https://www.prenda.com/post/29-amazing-calm-down-tools-for-kids-to-self-regulate What is Self-Regulation? (+95 Skills and Strategies) at https://positivepsychology.com/self-regulation/
Other resources worthy of exploration Learner Safety at https://youtu.be/bND6XuFrEVQ
Neuroscience based brain training at https://v4.brainhq.com/
NEWS
1. Check out the AZAFAP Event Calendar at https://azafap.gnosishosting.net/Events/Calendar.
2. Our Friday night Happy Hours and Tuesday afternoon Coffee Chats continue but on the 2nd and 4th, and 1st and 3rd weeks, respectively. Some find the facilitator (me or Ricky) and a single other participant; others find a conversation among 4 to 6 people. The topics range from the silly to what hobbies have us in their grip to what life has thrown in our path. If you ever find yourself wanting a bit of grown-up conversation, consider joining us (check your email for the unchanging link).
3. Parent Mentor Partners: AZAFAP has trained volunteer parents as mentors who are ready to help support foster, kinship, and adoptive parents through one-to-one conversations. Interested? Fill out the form at https://www.azafap.org/family-support-services/
Thanks for listening. Take care of yourself so you can be there reliably for others.
Peace,
Cathy (cathyt@azafap.org)
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