How do we prepare a young human to enter the adult world ready to participate? Let’s take a few minutes to look a little closer at our parental roles with an eye to which ones work toward this goal and which work against it. Those that are critical for children under 7 must yield to some degree as children range further and further into the world. The lessons parents hope to impart have to be tested in the world, little by little, and parents have to be steadfast in their readiness to help kids recover when things do go as planned or hoped.
In the spirit of brainstorming, I’ll try to first list all the shoes parents fill at different times in a child’s life. Expect many nuanced overlaps and I make no promises that this list is complete:
Safety officer Encourager Amusement Park
Protector Provider Inn Keeper
Guide Launderer Gate keeper
Strategizer Feeder Social Secretary
Confidante Sheepherder Disciplinarian
Cuddler Tailor/clothier Advocate
Comforter Defender Educator
As I review the above list, there are a few categories just hazardous to the stated goal of preparing a human for participation in the adult world: Safety Officer, Protector, Defender, Advocate, and Educator. As parents of any child born to us or not, many of us struggle with where to draw lines around these roles. Unfortunately, every child needs these in different doses at different ages and the older they get, the dosages change drastically. Most parents go through a period of grief when children move out of the stage most in need of their parents’ favorite role. My daughter had to grieve when her children left infancy. I currently struggle with how seldom my grandchildren reach out anymore, preferring the company of age mates to that of their Nana. I miss them. We still have our moments, but I miss those sweet moments of their toddlerhood when language and competency were blooming.
As I was delivering my grandson to a friend’s home about 3 miles away, we chatted about the family with whom he was going to spend the day. It is my habit to ask children for their evaluation of the adults in their lives because, as much as I expect them to show respect of their elders, I also want them to confidently engage in a little compare and contrast examination. Adults, as well as children can be such bullies, and I like to know a bit about what they are expected to navigate when out of my reach. Anyway, Max told me a story about a bike ride he’d taken with this friend and the friend’s dad one day several months ago. Max hit a section of the trail that he couldn’t manage and over the handlebars he went. Thankfully, he was not seriously hurt but the point of the story was that the dad never even asked him if he was OK; never even approached him to check him over; he just said, “You’re tough. Let’s go!”. This was in grand contrast to how he knew his own dad would have responded to the incident. In Max’s eyes, this dad dropped the “protector/safety officer/comforter” ball by not expressing his concern in any way.
As parents, some of us love the cuddling and comforting, amusing and educating; while some of us are most comfortable as disciplinarians, providers and inn keepers. That touchy feely stuff is delegated to others or, in some families, ignored or actively denigrated. In many cases, parents genuinely see the world as demanding thick skin and nerves of steel, no room for crybabies. Sadly, this approach often sends boys into the world ill-prepared for the give and take of intimate relationships, unable to seek understanding for themselves and more inclined to mansplain or offer solutions when only a listening ear is sought by a partner or a child.
Reflecting on my own childhood, I appreciate the freedom I had to explore the world around me. At the age of 7, I ranged freely around ponds and creeks, even construction sites (until I was shooed off). I once safely faced down a rattlesnake on a creek in Texas! My ankle went through the spokes while wearing flip flops riding on the back of my friend’s bike. I made a friend of old Pop Richardson when we saw him building cool stuff in his garage. Late one day, after my friend went in for supper, I was enthralled by the changing light through the sheets on the line as the sun set, only to find the police had been called when I finally headed home! I repeatedly faced down the dreaded Andy Mayberry and the threat of his big brother when I brazenly claimed the right to pass on his sidewalk in spite of his insistence to the contrary.
There is a time to back off and let the world do the education and, the older a child is, the more important this becomes. Younger children need just enough monitoring to make sure their risk taking is within safe bounds.
Kids make mistakes. Great kids make great mistakes. Many years ago now, a group of neighborhood kids broke into our house to party while we were on vacation. Several of them were honor student girls flattered to be invited to sneak out by a few of the “cool kids”. One of those boys’ parents flatly refused to believe her son would have participated in such a thing. When he finally confessed (after 3 phone calls from me), he admitted to being the one who tried to clean up the mess left by others. I never notified the police. I did, however, organize a work day for 9 teens to pick up each and every mesquite-bean pod out of my graveled front yard. I had become part of the world offering an education to these kids. A few of those kids might should have gotten juvenile charges for their roles in these events; most of them were better served by having to face me and their parents in my living room.
It is always a challenge to get children to open up about what is happening when we cannot see them. Shoulder to shoulder time in the car is when I get the real skinny. Sometimes I hear about the bullies, usually I hear about tiffs between friends, petty jealousies and who spreads the rumors. It is so hard to keep my mouth shut. Every bone in my body wants to offer tips, guidance, problem solving ideas. On a good day, I just listen, honored to be trusted with this information, hoping against hope that I’m asked a question but confident that this little human is doing their best to figure things out for themselves knowing that I’ll be there with a hug when things get hard.
Dear Reader, I’ve heard so many of you proclaim that because of the early trauma experienced by the children now in your care, you just can’t bring yourself to let them range freely out in the scary world and you fear for your own liability should their mistakes be serious enough for police involvement. The world at home should always be a safe haven where responsibilities suit the capacity of each child at each age. These little responsibilities prepare kids for the adult world and these little successes and competencies build confidence that they will be able to navigate whatever is thrown at them next.
Listening without preaching or offering unsolicited advice, lays the groundwork for your becoming a trusted confidante when the real world looms large. When you take your role as protector too seriously, however, you over inflate your reach. If your kiddo is not learning the hard lessons the world wants to teach them, the problem is not in your parenting, the problem may lie in your child’s ability to use mistakes as guideposts. A teen or young adult who rails against the unfairness of the world and continues to fail to protect themselves from the consequences the world metes out, has problems bigger than any parent can effectively manage no matter how many locks appear on the doors and in spite of any efforts to instruct. In this situation, it is so hard to have a front row seat to this sad circus. Just remember that the monkeys aren’t really under your control for long, if at all. Sometimes, you have to content yourself with investing in helping your child learn self-control, what Dr. Perry calls regulation, introducing a wide variety of rhythmic activities to bring down their anxiety or agitation. Celebrate those moments of connection, however brief, when your child finally is able to accept the love and affection you feel for them. Those connections are the magic. That beautiful safety is the foundation for their later ability to ask for and accept the help or guidance they need.
Resources (a few new ones)
https://www.childtrauma.org/cta-library : This is Dr. Bruce Perry’s organization’s website where you can find resources for you and others who care for your child. No cost.
https://azcouncil.com/neurosequential-model-for-caregiving/ : This is a place to find a comprehensive collection of Dr. Perry’s free instructional videos.
https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/#sthash.pihb6kSI.dpbs :Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Karyn Purvis TCU. Dr Purvis offers another trauma informed take on living/working with children with chronic trauma histories. These have costs per video.
Books
Born for Love and The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, Bruce Perry
The Connected Child, Karyn Purvis
The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk
Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Golman
Videos
Perry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3is_3XHKKs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cv2sNQL-Blc on the classroom
Purvis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EZA4_xBdvY
Van der Kolk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoZT8-HqI64
Golman: https://youtu.be/Y7m9eNoB3NU
Addiction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6xbXOp7wDA
Adolescent Risk Taking: https://www.cornell.edu/video/social-neuroscience-perspective-adolescent-risk-taking
Support
There’s a Reddit forum, r/Adoption, where adoptees share their thoughts on their search.
Ancestry.com has a DNA test that helps with genetic information and even searches.
Facebook has Birth parents and adopted children looking for their families. 31,000 members strong, full of tips for searchers.
Trauma Informed Educators Network on Facebook
From the NEA: https://www.nea.org/professional-excellence/student-engagement/tools-tips/trauma-informed-practices
For Birthmothers: Bellis: “Compassionate support for women whose children are parented by others – no matter how that came to be.” https://www.mybellis.org/
Regulating Activity Ideas
29 Amazing Calm Down Tools For Kids to Self-Regulate at https://www.prenda.com/post/29-amazing-calm-down-tools-for-kids-to-self-regulate
What is Self-Regulation? (+95 Skills and Strategies) at https://positivepsychology.com/self-regulation/
Other resources worthy of exploration
Learner Safety at https://youtu.be/bND6XuFrEVQ
Neuroscience based brain training at https://v4.brainhq.com/
NEWS
- Check out the AZAFAP Event Calendar at https://azafap.gnosishosting.net/Events/Calendar.
- Our Friday night Happy Hours and Tuesday afternoon Coffee Chats continue but on the 2nd and 4th, and 1st and 3rd weeks, respectively. Some find the facilitator (me or Ricky) and a single other participant; others find a conversation among 4 to 6 people. The topics range from the silly to what hobbies have us in their grip to what life has thrown in our path. If you ever find yourself wanting a bit of grown-up conversation, consider joining us (check your email for the unchanging link).
- Parent Mentor Partners: AZAFAP has trained volunteer parents as mentors who are ready to help support foster, kinship, and adoptive parents through one-to-one conversations. Interested? Fill out the form at https://www.azafap.org/family-support-services/
Thanks for listening. Take care of yourself so you can be there reliably for others.
Peace,
Cathy (cathyt@azafap.org)
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