I want to discuss boundaries today from two different perspectives: boundaries or the lack thereof often observed in children with chronic trauma histories and boundaries for you as caretaker. This won’t be easy. It won’t be easy for me and it won’t be easy for you. Promise.
Boundaries serve us and protect us. They organize our days when we create schedules to accomplish certain tasks (time boundaries). As Pee Wee Herman says with a beautiful smile on his face, “Let me let you let me go!”. They define how we interact with strangers and close friends, e.g. to hug or not, how long does a handshake last? Is any touch OK? (physical boundaries) With whom do we share our hopes, our fears, our grief, our secrets? (emotional boundaries). With whom do we share our material goods and on what conditions? Is this a loan or a gift? Do I give to organized charities or panhandlers? Is taking what I want without permission ever OK? Even our intellectual lives require boundaries. Where and when is it OK to discuss politics or religious beliefs and how do we maintain these boundaries as well as the relationships when we disagree? Not easy but so far, so good.
The concept of boundaries assumes a bit about the existence of the self. I’ll start with a quote from the American Psychological Society’s definition: The Self is “the totality of the individual, consisting of all characteristic attributes, conscious and unconscious, mental and physical.” I’ll casually point out that the ultimate definitions of the concepts “conscious and unconscious” are the subject of profound debate. I’ll leave that debate for another time but will at least offer this definition of consciousness: the awareness of oneself and one’s environment, encompassing thoughts, feelings, sensations, and perceptions at any point in time as well as over one’s lifespan. Some of you will notice that in these definitions lies a glaring circular reference: the self is defined by consciousness and consciousness is defined by the self. Not cool, but currently unavoidable due to our limited understanding of the nature of consciousness.
That child living in your home stirring things up, making everybody miserable? He’s likely a survivor of a very chaotic family life. For some thinkers, he’s “addicted” to a certain level of noise and emotional volatility. I suggest it also might be less an addiction than a familiar rhythm like when you sleep in a new space and the sounds unique to that space are enough to disrupt your sleep. My grandkids are experiencing this these days as they venture into sleepovers with friends. There is a question of degree here, it seems to me.
For other thinkers, he may need these interactions to know where his physical boundaries are. Without someone to figuratively push against, he experiences anxiety in his inability to know with any level of certainty where he stops and the rest of the world begins. I don’t reject this idea but know it is really hard to put ourselves in this child’s shoes since our experience of “self” doesn’t struggle like his does in this way. It’s almost as if he needs this external input to define his own experience, like the auditory input is supporting his proprioceptive sense of where his body is in space. I would suggest that this latter circumstance is the result of VERY early chronic neglect. In The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk quotes John Bowlby, “What cannot be communicated to the (m)other cannot be communicated to the self.” Later in the same paragraph Van der Kolk says, “When you don’t feel real (italics added) nothing matters, which makes it impossible to protect yourself from danger. Or you may resort to extremes in an effort to feel something-even cutting yourself with a razor blade or getting into fistfights with strangers.” Or a little lower on the continuum of this problem with physical boundaries of the self, and “don’t feel real”, provoking others into verbal conflicts. I hope there’s a physical therapist is this child’s pool of caregivers.
Are we getting a sense of how strange this discussion of boundaries can get? So many factors all on their own continuum. So much for the boundary problems of the children in your care. Let’s take a brief look at the boundaries of the caretaker.
Several types of boundaries are central to the life of any foster, kinship, or adoptive parent of a child with a history of chronic childhood trauma: physical, emotional, time, and intellectual. Time is here because of all the trips to myriad appointments. Intellectual is here because keeping your opinions to yourself about the behavior of birthparents still struggling with reliability is really important and really hard. Critical are boundaries around our emotions and physical interactions with the children in our care.
The tragic truth of the matter is that time doesn’t heal all wounds and love needs considerable guidance in the face of early chronic trauma. We, as caretakers, MUST put our emotional needs first. If we don’t, we are at risk of becoming overwhelmed when the children in our care get overwhelmed. This emotional contagion can lead to compassion fatigue and burnout, conditions I don’t wish on anyone, and which certainly don’t support the healing these children need. If we absorb all the pain they are carrying, we can lose our ability to provide the comfort they are able to receive from us. In that absorbed pain we are less likely to employ more productive strategies like taking walks together, having dance parties, practicing breathing deeply, or singing together. These rhythmic activities, and the experience of safe connection to us they promote, are the true sources of healing due to the power of neuroplasticity.
The trick is to take care of yourself day in and day out so that you can deliver what is needed for the long haul. This healing doesn’t happen overnight. It just isn’t the same as trauma experienced at the “hands” of a tornado or bomb. Trauma at the hands of someone who should have been a protector wreaks havoc on one’s neurological development and, later, typical expressions of affection can actually work against healing.
Special boundaries around physical touch are uniquely important in these relationships. These are the children for whom humans have yet to become sources of comfort and safety so the usual hugs and pats on the back are often misread as threatening. In these situations, it’s best to let the children take the lead to initiate physical contact of any kind. As much as we know they need it, we must restrain our natural inclinations out of respect for their early experiences.
Resources (a few new ones)
https://www.childtrauma.org/cta-library : This is Dr. Bruce Perry’s organization’s website where you can find resources for you and others who care for your child. No cost.
https://azcouncil.com/neurosequential-model-for-caregiving/ : This is a place to find a comprehensive collection of Dr. Perry’s free instructional videos.
https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/#sthash.pihb6kSI.dpbs :Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Karyn Purvis TCU. Dr Purvis offers another trauma informed take on living/working with children with chronic trauma histories. These have costs per video.
Books
Born for Love and The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, Bruce Perry
The Connected Child, Karyn Purvis
The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk
Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Golman
Videos
Perry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3is_3XHKKs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cv2sNQL-Blc on the classroom
Purvis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EZA4_xBdvY
Van der Kolk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoZT8-HqI64
Golman: https://youtu.be/Y7m9eNoB3NU
Addiction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6xbXOp7wDA
Adolescent Risk Taking: https://www.cornell.edu/video/social-neuroscience-perspective-adolescent-risk-taking
Support
There’s a Reddit forum, r/Adoption, where adoptees share their thoughts on their search.
Ancestry.com has a DNA test that helps with genetic information and even searches.
Facebook has Birth parents and adopted children looking for their families. 31,000 members strong, full of tips for searchers.
Trauma Informed Educators Network on Facebook
From the NEA: https://www.nea.org/professional-excellence/student-engagement/tools-tips/trauma-informed-practices
For Birthmothers: Bellis: “Compassionate support for women whose children are parented by others – no matter how that came to be.” https://www.mybellis.org/
Regulating Activity Ideas
29 Amazing Calm Down Tools For Kids to Self-Regulate at https://www.prenda.com/post/29-amazing-calm-down-tools-for-kids-to-self-regulate
What is Self-Regulation? (+95 Skills and Strategies) at https://positivepsychology.com/self-regulation/
Other resources worthy of exploration
Learner Safety at https://youtu.be/bND6XuFrEVQ
Neuroscience based brain training at https://v4.brainhq.com/
NEWS
- Check out the AZAFAP Event Calendar at https://azafap.gnosishosting.net/Events/Calendar.
- Our Friday night Happy Hours and Tuesday afternoon Coffee Chats continue but on the 2nd and 4th, and 1st and 3rd weeks, respectively. Some find the facilitator (me or Ricky) and a single other participant; others find a conversation among 4 to 6 people. The topics range from the silly to what hobbies have us in their grip to what life has thrown in our path. If you ever find yourself wanting a bit of grown-up conversation, consider joining us (check your email for the unchanging link).
- Parent Mentor Partners: AZAFAP has trained volunteer parents as mentors who are ready to help support foster, kinship, and adoptive parents through one-to-one conversations. Interested? Fill out the form at https://www.azafap.org/family-support-services/
Thanks for listening. Take care of yourself so you can be there reliably for others.
Peace,
Cathy (cathyt@azafap.org)
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