Tears 101
I’ve mentioned before the value of daily meditation. Well, this morning found me looking for a guided meditation that promised a less self-destructive dopamine hit than I’d been enjoying all week. I’ve been getting waaay too much this week by eating waaay too many sweets while wallowing in grief. I was desperate for an alternative. I won’t bore you with the details.
To only small surprise, I found myself in a 20 minute audio that centered on gratitude. The speaker eloquently but humbly explored issues ranging from clean water to good friends. I feel much better. Thanks for asking! Twice, however, I was brought to tears. Mind you, there was absolutely nothing mentioned that even remotely had anything to do with what you would describe as sad. Zip.
So, of course, this experience sent me straight to Dr. Google to ask, “Do tears stimulate a dopamine release?” The answer is a complicated one but the short answer is, “no”.
I have long known that I love a good cry. I think I saw Bambi 6 times. I was maybe 6 or 7 (not surprising knowing that this was when my mother’s alcoholism first hit the family like a tsunami). Professionally, and as I’ve shared with students over the years, I make sure to spend time in tears at least annually to grieve for all the suffering in the world: starvation, war, devastating loss of any kind, violence at home, child abuse in all its forms, persecution in all its forms, and on and on.
Apparently, shedding tears by crying brings a nice hit of dopamine indirectly because emotional release, my emotional tears, DOES stimulate the release of oxytocin (the “love hormone” responsible for feeling connection, trust, and empathy) and various endorphins (from my own pain-relieving, opiate manufacturing plant that resides in my cranium). I learned the value of shedding tears because I have a communication pathway in my brain that, when it recognizes a good thing, gives me a little hit of dopamine so I’ll be on the lookout for it to show up again. That oxytocin and those endorphins bring fabulous effects to my neurological self. Where can I get more, please?
Right now, after considering all the suffering in the world, I need something delivered to restore trust in my own safety and something to dull the pain that comes with empathy for all that horror. Oh, wait! A brief gratitude exercise will do just that. So will time with my best friend, or time spent in service to my community (making it a safer place for everyone), BUT so will a donut, a beer, pornography, or heroine, and, strangely enough, cutting, picking, or pulling at my body. The kicker is in: Where did I find it last time? Which source is handiest? You get the idea, right? BTW, I unfortunately but reliably vote donut.
Obviously, as good as I am at reading the emotions of others, I’m equally as good at distracting myself from my own. These avoided-at-all-costs or perceived-in-spite-of-only-minimal-evidence big feels are usually any that are reminiscent of the big ones from my childhood. Noticing what brought me to tears in a narrative free of sad imagery, sheds a light on the big feels I’d been avoiding: frustration at my lack of power, grief at the loss of what was once wonderful, and relief that, with the safety of time and distance, the nightmare was over (my all time favorite). I know it is my all time favorite because I’ve experienced it every time I find myself overwhelmed by joy. Even as I write these words, I am tearing up.
OK, enough of my donut-free self-indulgence. I offer all this self-disclosure here simply to offer you a window of compassion and understanding into what recovery from early childhood trauma can look like. I’m 74. I’ve been in therapy 3 times. I’m a trained therapist, for Pete’s sake. Still, I swim upstream, not against devastating effects of that early trauma, but niggling little habits that erode at the quality of my life. It served me well in childhood to be able to close off the big feelings of the night before so I could function in the relative safety that was elementary school. It also let me find connections in other care givers, janitors, ministers, and teachers. But, in all honesty, that muscle has been overworked at the expense of emotional self-awareness. Note: Let me also add that I was a white, cute, curious, friendly little girl in a Dallas suburb in1958. None of those details are minor. School is not a haven for way too many kids these days.
The kids you live with need you to understand that this is not a quick fix and calls for all the tools in your toolkit. They will be discovering and re-discovering alternate routes around these old habit paths for years to come but their connection with you is that critical first step onto that first scary detour. Trusting you, really trusting the safety that you represent, is truly huge. In the meantime, know that their meltdowns further burden them with old stress-frenemies like cortisol and adrenalin, and that emotional tears will surely shed those baddies and may bring the blessings of oxytocin and endorphins. Yay, emotional, tearful moments in the safety of your company. Let the tears flow! Yours and theirs.
Resources (a few new ones)
https://www.childtrauma.org/cta-library : This is Dr. Bruce Perry’s organization’s website where you can find resources for you and others who care for your child. No cost.
https://azcouncil.com/neurosequential-model-for-caregiving/ : This is a place to find a comprehensive collection of Dr. Perry’s free instructional videos.
https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/#sthash.pihb6kSI.dpbs :Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Karyn Purvis TCU. Dr Purvis offers another trauma informed take on living/working with children with chronic trauma histories. These have costs per video.
Books
Born for Love and The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, Bruce Perry
The Connected Child, Karyn Purvis
The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk
Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Golman
Videos
Perry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3is_3XHKKs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cv2sNQL-Blc on the classroom
Purvis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EZA4_xBdvY
Van der Kolk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoZT8-HqI64
Golman: https://youtu.be/Y7m9eNoB3NU
Addiction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6xbXOp7wDA
Support
There’s a Reddit forum, r/Adoption, where adoptees share their thoughts on their search.
Ancestry.com has a DNA test that helps with genetic information and even searches.
Facebook has Birth parents and adopted children looking for their families. 31,000 members strong, full of tips for searchers.
Trauma Informed Educators Network on Facebook
From the NEA: https://www.nea.org/professional-excellence/student-engagement/tools-tips/trauma-informed-practices
For Birthmothers: Bellis: “Compassionate support for women whose children are parented by others – no matter how that came to be.” https://www.mybellis.org/
Regulating Activity Ideas
29 Amazing Calm Down Tools For Kids to Self-Regulate at https://www.prenda.com/post/29-amazing-calm-down-tools-for-kids-to-self-regulate
What is Self-Regulation? (+95 Skills and Strategies) at https://positivepsychology.com/self-regulation/
Other resources worthy of exploration
Learner Safety at https://youtu.be/bND6XuFrEVQ
Neuroscience based brain training at https://v4.brainhq.com/
NEWS
- Check out the AZAFAP Event Calendar at https://azafap.gnosishosting.net/Events/Calendar.
- Our Friday night Happy Hours and Tuesday afternoon Coffee Chats continue but on the 2nd and 4th, and 1st and 3rd weeks respectively. Some find the facilitator (me or Ricky) and a single other participant; others find a conversation among 4 to 6 people. The topics range from the silly to what hobbies have us in their grip to what life has thrown in our path. If you ever find yourself wanting a bit of grown-up conversation, consider joining us (check your email for the unchanging link).
- Parent Mentor Partners: AZAFAP has trained volunteer parents as mentors who are ready to help support foster, kinship, and adoptive parents through one-to-one conversations. Interested? Fill out the form at https://www.azafap.org/family-support-services/
Thanks for listening. Take care of yourself so you can be there reliably for others.
Peace,
Cathy (cathyt@azafap.org)
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