Whose Fault Is It?
My 11-year-old granddaughter urgently asked me to take her to get two cocoas before she left for an event Saturday. Up here in Flagstaff, there were about 6 inches of snow on the ground. It was cold! When I declined to leave the warmth of my house and the project I had gotten into, she pouted up and stormed out. She begged me to take her two more times.
I love my granddaughter. I enjoy her company, and she usually enjoys mine, but I’ve learned to be firm when I have to tell her no. I often say yes. Her requests are, so far, easily accommodated. I am also sensitive to the fact that kids her age and younger tend to think the world revolves around them and that if they think it’s a clever idea, everyone will agree and help make it happen. But there are limits to how far we can go to support ideas that demand our immediate attention. Her angry response to being denied her request was a little annoying but certainly understandable.
All this as an introduction into what Piaget called egocentrism. At 11, my granddaughter is certainly capable of taking another’s perspective or walking a mile in their shoes. Her huffiness was simply because she usually experiences me saying yes to her requests and was hopeful it would convince me of how important it was and to change my mind. She was completely over it by the time she got back from the day in the woods. The experience of not getting what she wanted had left her head completely. She was very clear that I had let her down, not the other way around.
Children under the age of 8, however, have a harder time seeing any situation from another person’s point of view. They want what they want when they want it and lack the ability to recognize why they can’t have it right now. This is familiar territory.
What is relevant to adoptee identity issues and any curiosity about birthparents, is the ability to take another person’s point of view. When a young child is placed for adoption or removed from a less-than-good enough-parent, a child this young almost inevitably thinks the reason for removal lies in themselves.
All children experience getting into varying degrees of “trouble” ranging from mild scolding, to time-outs, and for some, spanking or more serious physical punishment. This “trouble” is intended to teach the child to see their behavior from the parent’s point of view: not acceptable no matter how fun it was in the moment. Such “trouble” is intended to leave children with at least mild guilt or shame to motivate them to avoid a repeat of the unwanted behavior.
So, for a child removed from their birth family for any reason, the nagging thought is often “If I was good enough” mom/dad would have kept me, would have gotten clean, would have left the abuser, would have protected me from the abuser, would have stopped drinking, would have been happier. Carrying around these ideas well beyond when Piaget suggests children are able to take on the perspective of another person can leave the teen or young adult hungry for an explanation straight from the source. Even one adopted at birth can wonder if the “trouble” they got into as small children was the reason their birthparents “gave me up.”
Adoptive parents often have varying levels of comfort when it comes to talking about birthparents. Similarly, adoptees may focus more or less on trying to understand why someone might have chosen—or felt forced—to give up a child. When these two tendencies meet, it can create tension or emotional discomfort within the family but even more so for the adoptee.
If I sense that my curiosity about my birthparents makes my adoptive parents feel anxious, sad, angry, or hurt, I might start to believe that asking questions is a kind of betrayal of their love for me. As I try to move beyond the self-centered conclusions I formed in early childhood—like “There must have been something wrong with me”—and begin to consider that my birthparent’s decisions may have come from a very different perspective, those thoughts can become tangled with my love for my adoptive parents and my awareness of their emotional reactions.
For children adopted from the foster care system and older when removed from their birth family, the issues get even more complicated. The oldest among these children are often caregivers for their siblings as well as their parents; responsible for meal preparation and getting siblings ready for school and out the door. This experience leaves them with a sense of responsibility for everyone’s happiness and worry for their welfare. These children often want contact with their birth family in spite of any history of abuse. It may be a long time before they are ready to hear that these expectations were unfair and any sense of guilt, uncalled for. Sometimes this survivor guilt is most obvious when the circumstances are most celebratory, e.g., “How can I be happy when mom/brother/dad/sister is still suffering?”
Adoptive/foster/kinship parents are called upon to not take this difficulty enjoying life personally nor to interpret it as ingratitude. I would even suggest that it is similar to the thinking adoptive, foster, and kinship parents slip into when they neglect self-care and time with friends. As an adoptive parent recently said, “How can I enjoy a night out when she might feel abandoned?”
As Dr. Bruce Perry reminds us, “Connection is Key.” I encourage you to respect all those connections, however complicated or stressful. I’m aware that some of them leave the children in your care terribly upset and agitated in the aftermath of visits. I hope you can find a way to give these children the time and space to work through the thousands of conflicting feelings that accompany some of these relationships. Your love and patience are a new kind of connection that can teach them that they can handle disappointment without losing their value or self-regulation.
If you have been reluctant to even tell your children about the circumstances of their adoption, much less that they are adopted, I encourage you to seek professional help navigating this moment. Both you and your child may need support in the aftermath of this later disclosure.
There are certainly differing opinions on this next bit, but it is my opinion that some stories are best left untold. I encourage adoptive parents to tread gently when origin stories are marked by violence or violation lest young people too quickly make assumptions about themselves or feel contaminated by the history.
Ancestry.com can help with DNA testing and the genetic predispositions that can be found there. The consumer is given a choice about what to know from those results, thank goodness. This can be a great compromise when finding biological relatives proves impossible or further contact inadvisable.
Resources
https://www.childtrauma.org/cta-library : This is Dr. Bruce Perry’s organization’s website where you can find resources for you and others who care for your child. No cost.
https://azcouncil.com/neurosequential-model-for-caregiving/ : This is a place to find a comprehensive collection of Dr. Perry’s free instructional videos.
https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/#sthash.pihb6kSI.dpbs :Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Karyn Purvis TCU. Dr Purvis offers another trauma informed take on living/working with children with chronic trauma histories. These have costs per video.
Books
Born for Love and The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, Bruce Perry
The Connected Child, Karyn Purvis
The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk
Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Golman
Videos
Perry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3is_3XHKKs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cv2sNQL-Blc on the classroom
Purvis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EZA4_xBdvY
Van der Kolk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoZT8-HqI64
Support
There’s a Reddit forum, r/Adoption, where adoptees share their thoughts on their search.
Ancestry.com has a DNA test that helps with genetic information and even searches.
Facebook has Birth parents and adopted children looking for their families. 31,000 members strong, full of tips for searchers.
Trauma Informed Educators Network on Facebook
From the NEA: https://www.nea.org/professional-excellence/student-engagement/tools-tips/trauma-informed-practices
For Birthmothers: Bellis: “Compassionate support for women whose children are parented by others – no matter how that came to be.” https://www.mybellis.org/
Regulating Activity Ideas
29 Amazing Calm Down Tools For Kids to Self-Regulate at https://www.prenda.com/post/29-amazing-calm-down-tools-for-kids-to-self-regulate
What is Self-Regulation? (+95 Skills and Strategies) at https://positivepsychology.com/self-regulation/
Other resources worthy of exploration
Learner Safety at https://youtu.be/bND6XuFrEVQ
Neuroscience based brain training at https://v4.brainhq.com/
NEWS
- Check out the AZAFAP Event Calendar at https://azafap.gnosishosting.net/Events/Calendar.
- Our Friday night Happy Hour and Tuesday afternoon Coffee Chat continue. Some find the facilitator (me or Ricky) and a single other participant; others find a conversation among 4 to 6 people. The topics range from the silly to what hobbies have us in their grip to what life has thrown in our path. If you ever find yourself wanting a bit of grown-up conversation, consider joining us (check your email for the unchanging link).
- Parent Mentor Partners: AZAFAP has trained volunteer parents as mentors who are ready to help support foster, kinship, and adoptive parents through one-to-one conversations. Interested? Fill out the form at https://www.azafap.org/family-support-services/
Thanks for listening. Take care of yourself so you can be there reliably for others.
Peace,
Cathy (cathyt@azafap.org)
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