The holidays are upon us. Many foster, kinship, and adoptive parents or guardians strive to respect the culture and religious traditions of the children in their care. This is not an easy thing to do! I think about how my family of origin celebrated the holidays (one Christmas Eve spent at a motel eating Kentucky Fried Chicken when our electricity, water, and gas were disconnected for non-payment) and how those practices have changed over my life time (one Thanksgiving spent on the beach at Isla Contoy eating grilled barracuda the helmsman had caught off the back of the boat on the way from Isla Mujeres). I remember negotiating which foods were important (pecan pie) and which dishes could drop away (scalloped oysters) from my husband’s hoped-for Christmas feast. So even within a faith tradition centered in Christianity, things shift around.
I recall someone telling me, “Culture is to humans, as water is to fish.” (apparently originally coined by David Foster Wallace). I also recall a classmate back in Texas telling me my Lutheran “sprinkling” baptism would land me in Hell because I hadn’t been “dunked”. I guess I’ll have to wait to verify her prognostication. My point is this: We give people/events/things importance within the context of our lives and our history of shared experiences. Without this history, little meaning is ever given to pecan pie, dunking, or paying bills.
I know my history, my culture, the best. I can learn about yours but to try to teach yours to your children would be terribly presumptuous of me. Sometimes the best we can do is to bring people who share another culture into the lives we share with children. But like the above anecdote about a Christmas spent in a motel room, the details can be fraught with painful memories. In my family of origin, there was no energy for the seemingly insignificant gestures of saving the ornament Martha made in kindergarten, or using grandma’s tablecloth on special occasions; survival was a day-to-day struggle.
After a childhood spent wondering if daddy would finally send mama to the hospital tonight, where I would go to school next year or live tomorrow, I lived many years waiting for the other shoe to drop. Any time things went well, my happiness was dampened by the ominous feeling that tragedy was just around the corner; like the universe was determined to balance things out. Today I know that this is just life; we take the good with the bad and hope to have the love of others to help us through the rough times and to celebrate with in our wonderful moments. But as a child, all I knew was that the adults in power were not very good at keeping our little ship afloat; we found ourselves on the rocks way too often. With the examples and affection of a few good people, I can say that I have righted my lifeboat and lived a life mostly in calm water, but I still approach the holidays with a sense of dread.
For years, I fought off this dread with an obsessive focus on getting things “just right”. The food was perfect, the gifts were wrapped beautifully, and my collection of ornaments was a source of pride. The fact that I protected a star made 30 years ago with Elmer’s glue and twigs from our Chinaberry tree when my daughter was 2 should give you an idea of how determined I was. I realize now that because my family brought NOTHING forward from year to year, I would cherish things others would have thrown out long ago.
In this season of gratitude, hopes for peace, and generosity, please remember that some of the children you live with approach this time of year with dread. Giving up that expectation that the other shoe is about to drop does not come easily or quickly. The anxiety that often comes with the approaching holidays can make for a more irritable kid, a kid who isn’t sleeping well, or one who is crying more.
Remember that your patience and love are more important than the beautiful table. Ask your child what they like to have at the holidays and what makes them sad about the holidays. Make room for these mixed feelings even if your preference is for a Disneyland-like month of perfection where all the unsightly details are deep underground. Love is rarely one-dimensional. We love one another, warts, and all. The shared gifts of Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Bodhi, and Yule are peace and hope. Keep these as the center of your celebrations and your kids will be given something of great value to bring forward from year to year. Happy Holidays, one and all.
NEWS
- Check out the AZAFAP Event Calendar at https://azafap.gnosishosting.net/Events/Calendar.
- Our Friday night Happy Hour and Tuesday afternoon Coffee Chat continue. Some find me or Nancy and a single other participant; others find a conversation among 4 to 12 people. The topics range from the silly to what hobbies have us in their grip to what life has thrown in our path. If you ever find yourself wanting a bit of grown-up conversation, consider joining us (check your email for the unchanging link).
- Parent Mentor Partners: AZAFAP has trained volunteer parents as mentors who are ready to help support foster, kinship, and adoptive parents through one-to-one conversations. Interested? Fill out the form at https://www.azafap.org/family-support-services/
- I encourage you to check out what Dr. Bruce Perry has to offer. Find his thoughts at https://youtu.be/uOsgDkeH52o?t=3 and at https://www.neurosequential.com.
Thanks for listening. Maintain yourself so you can be there reliably for others.
Cathy (cathyt@azafap.org)
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