We think abandonment looks like Moses set adrift in the bulrushes, a baby left on the steps of a convent, or when Hansel and Gretel were left in the woods to fend for themselves. There are all sorts of abandonment. The Merriam Webster dictionary defines abandonment as “left without needed protection, care, or support”.
As I began writing this, I worried it might sound judgmental. That matters to me. But so does naming something honestly.
It’s ironic how easily some people conceive and how difficult conception can be for others. So, be clear, I’m discussing those for whom pregnancy has proven to be as easy as falling off a log, as they say.
I once worked as a pregnancy counselor. My clients were as young as 13, and as old as 37. The 37-year-old had 4 children and simply knew she didn’t have the financial or emotional resources to parent a 5th child. I’ve always admired her for this self-awareness. I’ve lost count of how many young girls, aged 13 through 22, showed up in my office in their third trimester having had zero prenatal care. They simply began wearing baggy clothes and pretended nothing was happening to their bodies. Few made changes to support their bodies or the life developing inside them.
On an emotional and compassionate level, it is hard for me to speak of those young people as having abandoned their children but that is, in fact, what they did. Some continued using various substances. None mentioned shifting their diets away from soft drinks and fast food. Too many spent their pregnancies in silent emotional turmoil when they failed at convincing themselves that nothing was changing. All of this left a developing human swimming in less than ideal juices. The long term effects of these first experiences are hard to evaluate but they certainly exist.
Someone asked me recently what I thought a man should do if he found out he was the father of a child to be born to a woman he didn’t think he wanted to marry. My honest answer was to keep her safe, secure and provided for so she could be the best mom she could be for the duration of her pregnancy and the first three years of the child’s life while that new brain was laying down it’s foundations. This way neither she nor the baby would be abandoned. All necessary care, protection and support would be in place.
But what is it that the youngest of children really need from us? Research from Harry Harlow showed that infant monkeys choose warmth and comfort over a cold source of food. Without social interaction and connection, they grew into adults who were anxious, aggressive, and unable to form healthy relationships.
That connection, as Dr. Perry says, is the magic of human development. So the “care” mentioned by Merriam-Webster can be unpacked like this for a newborn:
- Delight in their company
- Play that respects and supports what is happening in the brain and body
- Nutrition and hydration that meets their needs rather than just filling their tummies
- Prompt relief of distress whether from overheating, cold, hunger, a dirty diaper, or boredom
- Rhythms that are part of the day for a caregiver who knows safety and security: walking, talking, singing, rocking
- Days free of environmental shock and awe
- Days free of mom’s distraction, sadness, anxiety, anger or fear
I’ve met children in residential treatment centers who endured stunning neglect and abuse, day in and day out for most of their short lives. I often wondered how they faced another day, how they found the will to go on. I’ve come to the conclusion that to merely survive requires water and a bit of food but to thrive requires a secure sense of belonging anywhere and enough confidence in one’s ability to figure out how to make things happen.
When those stars don’t align, these children grow into adults lacking much of what most of us take for granted. They are sometimes unable to give and receive love, sometimes unable to see others as worthy of trust or trustworthiness. They sometimes suffer greatly and take the slightest disappointment as evidence of abandonment and become panicked that, again, they are betrayed and alone against the world. Sometimes, unfortunately, they look around at the laws and niceties constructed to keep us living together in peace and just don’t get it. They blatantly ignore it all and leave a trail of destruction in their paths but not without first charming the pants off of you and stealing those same pants.
Hansel and Gretel obviously had had excellent early care as shown by their dedication to one another and cognitive skills enough to outfox the witch. They even found their way home and forgave their father for not being strong enough to resist the pressure from his terrified wife. They are excellent examples of the resilience that develops when humans are provided “good enough” care in their first years of life. They don’t even seem to have felt abandoned! In fact, they weren’t; they were just emancipated too early by a woman who had lost her way under the conditions of famine.
Peace,
Cathy
