WHERE DO I COME FROM?
Call me Cathy. Cathy with a C, please. I have a vague memory that I was named after my dad’s former girlfriend. I was my mother’s 5th pregnancy, first live birth. I am my dad’s second born; a half sister was 6 years older. I had 3 younger sisters. We all look a lot alike. My dad was raised in a Catholic orphanage run by German Jesuits in North Carolina. My mother was raised Methodist in a small farming community in Texas. She was Valedictorian and President of her graduating class of 12 students. We shared a love of reading and words when I was a child. I was raised Lutheran and attended a parochial school with kids from Michigan and Wisconsin whose daddies were engineers at Texas Instruments. Most were of Germanic heritage. That German Jesuits raised my dad, and I attended a parochial school with strong German identity, resulted in my believing that I was of German descent. No one in my family told me this. I recall no discussions of family history AT ALL, beyond a few stories about my grandparents’ work histories, so, apparently, my ethnic identity was cobbled together from these vague associations.
With this said, I have a kinship with adoptees curious about their ethnic and cultural heritage. I have looked around and envied what I judge as rich cultural legacy everywhere around me. Frida Kahlo’s art reflects her Mexican heritage, and I love movies by Cuaron and Iñárritu. Princess Diana drew me into the pomp and circumstance of Britain, and I’ve been a Monty Python and Dr. Who fan all my life. Bible stories gave me but a small taste of the history and legacy of Judaism. A loving housekeeper and books by Toni Morrison and Maya Angelou offered me a window into the culture and experiences of African Americans. Then there’s the food: Kolaches from Poland in West Texas, the diasporic food ways of chili, tomatoes, potatoes, and corn from Central and South America. But for me, German it was so bring on the Beer, Brats, and Schnitzel. In Texas, Chicken Fried Steak looked German to me.
With this sense of belonging, I went on to take German in college. I had a pair of shoes that I called my German shoes because they were so utilitarian and kind of brutal. I learned about the Holocaust and carried guilt about it. I learned about what the Nazi’s called degenerate art and attributed my determination to my Germanic heritage.
Then, at age 35, my mother died. I sat with my dad’s sister in the den and asked her where our family was from in Germany. Imagine my shock when she replied with, “Germany!? We’re not from Germany. We are English/Welsh!”
Don’t get me wrong. With enough information I might actually have found an ancestor who shared my determination, curiosity, and peasant physique. Considering what a nightmare my family-of-origin was (alcoholism, domestic violence, financial collapse into poverty), I might even have found exemplary role models somewhere back there. I looked like all my sisters. I didn’t enjoy close relationships with them, however. Knowledge about our genetic predisposition for alcohol addiction and heart disease didn’t spare the next generation, either.
I offer all this only as food for thought. There are many reasons an adoptee searches for a birthparent and I suspect it is rare that any have to do with finding someone to love them more than their adoptive parents do. So, adoptive parents out there, take a deep breath and trust that any such search is less about you and more about simple curiosity. And adoptees out there, inventory the cultural identity you have already cobbled together for yourself, knowing that most families, unless they are newly immigrated, have already seen once rich cultural and ethnic practices loose a little of their color and flavor. It is really hard to maintain such practices. As soon as anyone falls in love with someone from another cultural tradition, the blending begins, and rightly so. Also, inventory what you have shared with your adoptive family, both positive and negative. Be generous. I don’t know if our shared love of reading came to me genetically from my mom or from just being read to…
Once your reunion happens, get ready to pick a few of the most compelling traditions to integrate into the life you have already begun to make for yourself. Just because you find you have genetics from a long line of Irish immigrants doesn’t mean you will immediately acquire a taste for Black Pudding. Your genetics usually leave you with predispositions rather than certainties. Each of us is quite unique. We share characteristics with biological family members, and we share history with those with whom we spend our time. The balance of these two sources is exactly what makes us who we are.
And, finally, I spent a few years of my career as a pregnancy counselor, helping mostly young, pregnant women figure out if they were ready to be single mothers. I had a front row seat to their struggle with this question. To a person, each one who opted for adoptive placement, had only the best interests of her baby at the heart of her decision. It is too easy to see adoption as rejection but if you really think about it: How can you reject someone you don’t even know yet? I’ve seen new mothers spare themselves the pain of goodbyes only to send birthday cards for years after the placement. I’ve also known mothers to remember their pregnancies as a personal failure that brought shame to their families. I’ve never known anyone actually ashamed of the baby, though. I’ve known plenty of women who just couldn’t overcome addiction and mental health challenges that were obstacles to being good-enough mothers. So much pain in these stories. Being human is not often easy.
Resources
https://www.childtrauma.org/cta-library : This is Dr. Bruce Perry’s organization’s website where you can find resources for you and others who care for your child. No cost.
https://azcouncil.com/neurosequential-model-for-caregiving/ : This is a place to find a comprehensive collection of Dr. Perry’s free instructional videos.
https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/#sthash.pihb6kSI.dpbs :Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Karyn Purvis TCU. Dr Purvis offers another trauma informed take on living/working with children with chronic trauma histories. These have costs per video.
Books
Born for Love and The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, Bruce Perry
The Connected Child, Karyn Purvis
The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk
Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Golman
Videos
Perry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3is_3XHKKs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cv2sNQL-Blc on the classroom
Purvis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EZA4_xBdvY
Van der Kolk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoZT8-HqI64
Support
There’s a Reddit forum, r/Adoption, where adoptees share their thoughts on their search.
Ancestry.com has a DNA test that helps with genetic information and even searches.
Facebook has Birth parents and adopted children looking for their families. 31,000 members strong, full of tips for searchers.
Trauma Informed Educators Network on Facebook
From the NEA: https://www.nea.org/professional-excellence/student-engagement/tools-tips/trauma-informed-practices
For Birthmothers: Bellis: “Compassionate support for women whose children are parented by others – no matter how that came to be.” https://www.mybellis.org/
Regulating Activity Ideas
29 Amazing Calm Down Tools For Kids to Self-Regulate at https://www.prenda.com/post/29-amazing-calm-down-tools-for-kids-to-self-regulate
What is Self-Regulation? (+95 Skills and Strategies) at https://positivepsychology.com/self-regulation/
Other resources worthy of exploration
Learner Safety at https://youtu.be/bND6XuFrEVQ
Neuroscience based brain training at https://v4.brainhq.com/
NEWS
- Check out the AZAFAP Event Calendar at https://azafap.gnosishosting.net/Events/Calendar.
- Our Friday night Happy Hour and Tuesday afternoon Coffee Chat continue. Some find the facilitator (me or Ricky) and a single other participant; others find a conversation among 4 to 6 people. The topics range from the silly to what hobbies have us in their grip to what life has thrown in our path. If you ever find yourself wanting a bit of grown-up conversation, consider joining us (check your email for the unchanging link).
- Parent Mentor Partners: AZAFAP has trained volunteer parents as mentors who are ready to help support foster, kinship, and adoptive parents through one-to-one conversations. Interested? Fill out the form at https://www.azafap.org/family-support-services/
Thanks for listening. Take care of yourself so you can be there reliably for others.
Peace,
Cathy (cathyt@azafap.org)
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